The Emotional Side of Staying Strong

I have a cousin who drove from Chico TWICE to bring us a total of 7 meals. That is a nearly 2 hour drive each way… wow.

One of the students from Auburn had her orthodontist put “Kelly Green” and “Breast Cancer Awareness Pink” power bands on her braces… for me.

A student that we worked with about 8 years ago has blessed us generously and has been sending me notes packed with the most encouraging of quotes. Humbling.

There is a pile of cards 4 inches thick in our “blessings” box. Each note is full of encouragement and promises of prayers and good wishes.

Meals have been brought several times a week allowing our family to have healthy dinners and relieving the stress of grocery shopping and having to cook.

I have a basket full of knitted beanies and scarfs… gifts made and given with love and compassion for my bald head.

A gang of women from our old church walked with my name on their shirts in the “Making Strides” walk in September and a friend from high school walked for me in the Susan G. Komen 3-Day Walk For A Cure. That’s a lot of walking.

Our family has been blessed by the generous kindness of so many friends and the worry of how to pay these medical bills has been lifted.

An army of people prayed my lump in half. Seriously, I went into surgery thinking it was Stage 3 and came out Stage 1. I believe that is the power of prayer.

These are the things I must hold onto.

Because right now, I am tired.

I love this pic of Leah at 1 week old.
This is how tired I feel!

The new chemotherapy drug, Taxol, is different from the evil junk I was taking before. I have now gone through 3 of the 12 weekly treatments of Taxol. In only 9 more weeks I’ll be done with treatment – yahoo! Unlike the first mix, nausea (and feeling crazy sick) is not one of the side effects of Taxol. The side effects of this poison are: fatigue, numbness in the fingers and toes, aching muscles and hair loss (no problem there). So far, I am mostly experiencing fatigue… which I am finding is very different than being tired. I feel groggy, foggy, slow and delayed. I have read and heard of “chemo brain” and I think I am now a victim of this impairment. (Here’s more on chemo brain if you are interested:

http://www.cancer.org/Treatment/TreatmentsandSideEffects/PhysicalSideEffects/ChemotherapyEffects/chemo-brain )

Besides being fatigued, I feel emotionally tired and drained. I subscribe to a blog for mothers with cancer and have enjoyed reading the posts from other women with cancer who have children. There has been hope in reading how they have coped, fought and beat this disease. Last week it was shared that one of the main contributors had lost her 7 year battle with breast cancer leaving behind a 10 year old son. This story has really hit me. She was on the winning team, my team. My mind has been determined that I can’t loose and that remission equaled victory. But the truth is, my mind willing/thinking health and victory does not necessarily mean I will win. This may seem like a simple truth that shouldn’t be hard to accept, however until reading this woman’s story I have resisted entertaining the idea that my story could end with cancer being the villain.

I try not to think about the 60% 5-year survival rate associated with the “triple-negative” element of the DNA of my cells. I try to focus on being here for Nathan’s 10^th birthday and to take Leah to kindergarten. I try real hard not to think negative, but in being so tired (physically and emotionally and spiritually) it can be difficult to see the sun everyday.

I really don’t want to write a negative blog post. But this is it, where I am today. This fight is exhausting and to exclude you from the mental/emotional side of this fight would be to pretend that just thinking good thoughts and warm fuzzies is all it takes to make it through the day.

So, as I said in the intro, there is a long list of incredible positives that I find myself holding onto. And I thank you all, friends and family, for being the strength and love I need to fight and stay strong.

*** By the way, if you are wondering if Spunky from the chemo lab gets to go to Hawaii I am happy to share that we saw her last Monday and YES she will be making the trip. She said she will take her oxygen on the plane to avoid recycled air and then plans on having a great time!