(Part 2 of 2 - Part 1 is listed under October)
Well, I have been waiting to bounce back from this last treatment to write Part 2 of ‘It Wasn’t Always This Way’, but I’m going on day 8 and I’m not bouncing. This last treatment has hit me pretty hard and feeling sickly and nauseous have been a part of every hour/day this past week. I’m thinking maybe I’m just supposed to write while feeling yucky… so as to not hide the truth of this journey.
I’ve received several special notes in response to “The Angry Years”. It seems that several friends have shared similar journeys with Anger. The loss of a spouse, the loss of a child, the loss of a job. Anger has a way of replacing our losses and filling the void.
Upon learning of my cancer, many people have asked me if I am angry. Well, I’m angry about 2 things. One, I am angry that I do not get to be involved with the youth ministry at our current church this year. I was really looking forward to volunteering with the youth ministry again and being the kind of youth pastors wife that I grew up with as my example. In jr. high and high school my youth pastors family was such a fun outlet and example of family to me. I was finally ready to be that kind of wife and was excited to be at a new church where the opportunities to love on kids is enormous. The second thing that I am angry about is that I will not be able to go visit and help my cousin next February when her baby arrives. There are two parts to this disappointment. First, I was excited to be able to help my cousin experience motherhood and the joy and trials of having a brand new baby. Second, she lives like two blocks from the beach in Santa Monica (most beautiful place on earth)… so perhaps there were slightly selfish ‘vacation’ plans attached to helping with 3am feedings. But that’s it. So far, those are the only things that I am angry about. (I imagine the chances are high I will be angry about other stuff… but for now I’m good.) I believe the journey of the past few years has allowed me to view this trial with a different perspective.
It Wasn’t Always Like This…
Part 2
The Transformation
So I had declared before myself and others that my New Years resolution would be “This year, I want to get right with God and deal with Him regarding losing our baby.” But how the heck do you do that?
Honestly, I did not know where to start in making this enormous life and heart change. I had found during the Angry Years that sitting down for a forced strict outlined approach at a formal quiet time was not the way God and I were going to connect. For those of you that are not practicing Christians, let me share some of our inside vocabulary with you. We do this thing called a ‘quiet time’… the really good Christians do it every morning, (even on holidays) before they start their day. The rebellious ones do it at night… strategically coordinating their closing prayer with their head hitting the pillow and falling into deep sleep. During this ‘quiet time’ one typically reads a scheduled passage from The Bible, might read a chapter from Proverbs (which aligns with the day of the month) and then will read from some sort of daily devotional or sweet little book with a positive message for the day. If you are a Super Christian, you use colored pencils to highlight words and phrases throughout your reading, and you check everything against both the Greek and Hebrew languages to verify that the translation isn’t lying. Okay, I am being a little sarcastic about what we ‘do’, but I joke to point out that we have created this box around what a ‘real’ relationship with God/Jesus looks like. But if these tools aren’t working… then what do you do?
So, I started talking with Him. Believing that a ‘personal relationship’ is what separates my God from all other gods… why not attempt to have a real relationship with Him. And this is where the Spirit of God takes over… cause otherwise your just talking to yourself.
I started talking to Him about things that made me angry. Started asking Him directly to explain the answers to the hard questions I had been asking. I started thanking Him for my amazing son and the joy he brought us. I wrestled with Him over the past and talked to Him about my future. These conversations went on for about a year. Occasionally I would reference my Bible or devotional… but I have to admit that I was not disciplined in my quiet times the way I had been growing up. I continued going to Bible study, practicing prayer and attending church. But it was different. Some days God and I were good… others I was still Angry and Bitter. However, things looked different… more like a side-by-side walk with a friend. You could say things had gotten better.
Then, on a day I least expected it, our relationship changed. I went to this free seminar at Arco Arena called “Get Motivated Seminar” by Tamara Lowe. It was an incredible event with the speakers being Colin Powell (amazing), Rudy Giuliani, Steve Forbes, Zig Ziggler and this lady named Tamara Lowe. The common themes through all of the speakers was that success comes through loving your family first, serving others through BOTH your time and money and a faith in a God bigger than yourself. When the gal Tamara got up to speak she did a rap about how God changed her life. It was close to lunch and many people got up and left during her speech, as she was clearly the “religion” part of the event. I was kinda listening… and then really listened. As she finished her message she invited the audience to join her in prayer and repeat this simple sentence in our mind and heart, “God, I ask you to use me and allow me to be the person you desire me to be.”
I cannot explain it, but that was my moment. That was the instant when things changed and I believed again. Suddenly I trusted that God had a real plan and screwing up my life wasn’t his main objective for the universe. More importantly, in that split-second, Anger, the haunting companion that had been dragging me down, was gone. I felt set free.
Yes, in a crowd of 15,000 people on some random February afternoon, this “pastor’s wife,” who has been in church every Sunday for the past 30+ years and has volunteered 10+ years in youth ministry… finally got it.
Since that day, even though things have been tough for us from time to time, I have felt ‘carried’. This is not because everything has been peachy and perfect. I suppose there has just been a new sense of Peace in my life.
Psalm 119:105 reads; “Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path.” The lamp that would have been used in Bible times would have only been bright enough to shine maybe 3 feet out… enough to not trip, but not quite bright enough to see all the way down the road. I am learning to trust the small glow of a lamp at my feet despite my human desire to use a million candlepower MagLight to see into the future. Sometimes all we can see, maybe all we should see, is what is right in front of us.
At least for now, I know getting through today is all I can handle.
*** For information regarding the Bunko Night Fundraiser, scheduled for Sunday, November 20th, please see the blog post "Bunko Night Fundraiser" or contact Megan at mmarcroft@yahoo.com .
Thank you!
Nathan, at 4 1/2 yrs is one of the most interesting and funny people I know. He has worn a collared button-up shirt, dress pants, and fancy church shoes daily for the past 2 months... he's my little 'Alex P. Keaton' and I love his quirky ways.
