Nobody Likes A Whiner

This has been a strange week of mental processing and emotions. The Genetic Counselor called last Wednesday to give me the results of the BRCA gene test. Apparently, I am NEGATIVE for the gene. I was praying for this result. But… and it’s a big but… when we spoke he said, “Honestly I am shocked by this result. I thought for sure you would be positive.” He went on to explain that while I am BRCA negative, it is his belief that I likely have a different less dominant hereditary cancer gene, one that science has likely not yet discovered. He encouraged me to contact his office in three years for evaluation for any new tests that might have become available. He also recommended that I begin ovarian cancer screening and blood tests. Yippee.

Therefore, I do not need to have the surgeries, which should make me happy… but I’m not really. I was expecting to find peace… but I did not. I thought the fear of having to one day tell my kids that they have a 50% chance of cancer would be gone… but it’s still in me. I thought I would be able to blame my ancestors of old... but I cannot. I am frustrated. As much as I wanted a negative result, not having an answer to “why” I had cancer, especially at such a young age, has made me angry.

Truthfully, this is the first time in this journey that I have really been mad. I’m mad that I don’t know “why” cancer likes me. I am mad that I’m once again in this category of the unknown. I’m even mad (I know this is kinda crazy) that I won’t be having surgery, as I had convinced myself that by having the hysterectomy and mastectomy that I would at least be eliminating two main locations that cancer could reappear... therefore beating it at it’s own game. And I’m really mad that I have to go through radiation. I knew it was coming, but I’m angry that now that I am finally feeling good, once again life will be interrupted with a 6 week, 30 day reminder that cancer is part of my life.

Today I will go to the Radiologist Oncologist to have the MRI done for my upcoming radiation therapy. The MRI will allow the radiologist to make a 3-D image of the exact location (distance, depth, diameter) where they need to beam the radiation. They will also give me my first tattoo ever… 4 boring little marks showing exactly where they need to radiate me throughout the treatment.

This week has made me think of something that we discussed a few weeks ago in Bible Study. We were discussing anger and how it is a natural human emotion, which we all experience. The discussion surrounded the idea that while we may become angry, it is important to be careful what we do with our anger. (Ephesians 4:26-27 “In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.") I have tried, but I have failed at not sinning in my anger this week. I have had such a short temper with my husband and kids. I am angry with God. I've just been plain pissy. I am not proud of it… and I am very aware that in my anger I am giving the devil a foothold.

I’m hoping that this emotion passes soon, cause if it doesn’t it’s going to be a long 6 weeks of kicking and screaming and whining to radiation. 

And let’s face, like I tell my kids… nobody likes a whiner!

Here's a glimpse of one of the many
bright spots this past week. Leah, 21 months,
playing at our churches Easter Family Fun Day.
Isn't she just the sweetest!