What does it feel like?

Last night I went for a walk in my dreams...

I woke up wanting to escape reality back into my sleep. In that dream, I found my safe, peaceful, joyful place. I do not think I have ever dreamt a dream walk like last night… it was a perfect escape.

I dreamt of the street of Florence, Italy. 

During the 1999-2000 school year of college, I spent 10 months studying Art History with the CSU International Program. Best decision ever. I truly loved every part of studying and traveling abroad. No regrets.

Lights and decorations leading to
Piazza della Signoria in celebration of
Christmas and The Year of Jubilee!

My dream took me through the streets of Firenze the first night we arrived in Italy and the first time I took in the enormity of the Duomo with my own eyes. The size of that church was humbling and empowering. I walked along the Arno River on the way to The Uffizi Gallery – as music spilled out of the concert hall corridor into the river. I walked the 1 mile walk to school, past the fresh air market, past the bakery with that salty smelling ciachatta, past the little park decorated with children, past our daily café stop where they made espresso with hearts in top, and straight to the castle-like door of our university. I walked through the Piazza Santa Croce in the winter when the ice skating rink was full of children laughing and spinning in the cold. And again past the same piazza where the crazy lady in a black trench coat & tattered hat was twirling in front of the Dante Alighieri statue to whatever random song she was making up and throwing kisses at anyone who would catch her eye. I saw the fireworks in the sky high over Piazza as we brought in the Year of Jubilee! And the beautiful lights and Christmas decorations that danced over the streets in an endless maze ending at Piazza della Signoria. I walked down my street, Brogo Santa Croce, past the gay bar at the far end, up to our huge double door with a knocker like that on The Wizard of Oz. I looked up at our window, where four young ladies (okay, that’s being generous) lived for 10 months… changed forever by the power of following their dreams.

I went all over town… the perfect escape from my now reality.

So, what does it feel like to go through chemo?

Well, I can only tell you at this time what the first week of my treatment has felt like. I am not nor will I be an expert in cancer and chemo… but, when this is all said and done I will be an expert in my experience.

When we went to the doctors office on Monday we first met with my Oncologist. He answered all the questions we came armed with. The main thing that he shared was why they are being so aggressive in treatment of my cancer. (Here is the dumbed down version for people like me.) I have Stage 1/Grade 3 ductal breast cancer. What makes me so darn special is that the DNA make-up of the cells is a triple negative. Usually cells grow/are fed through hormonal proteins… but mine are basically mutant and are growing too quickly and multiplying through some other source. (Insert Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle music here.) Here’s a link if you’re interested in this kind of stuff:

http://www.breastcancer.org/symptoms/diagnosis/trip_neg/behavior.jsp

Anyways, after meeting with the doctor we went into the chemo room. It looked like a barber shop with chairs in the round. I got a big comfy chair while Eric got a junky straight back. They gave me a cup of anti-nausea meds to choke down. Them the pharmacist made up my potion… fresh to order – just like Burger King. The nurse inserted an IV into my port, which is located under the skin just below my collarbone. Once my mix was ready, the nurse came out and injected two humongous syringes of Cytoxan into my IV. The potion was red in nature and mixed with a bag of saline that was already dripping into the line. I did not feel a thing.

Once the syringes were emptied she hooked up a drip bag of Adriamycin. Within minutes my head started hurting, like a sinus/congestion headache. She slowed down the drip and it took a little over an hour to finish. I could feel the sensation of something rushing through my legs… but it wasn’t like anything hurt.

We went home and the feeling in my legs continued. A few hours later, I started to feel like I was coming down with the flu. I took more of the anti-nausea medicine (I have both Compazine and Zofran), which have completely helped subdue all nausea and urge to throw up. Went to bed on Monday night, feeling yucky, but mainly as if I just had the flu.

Tuesday I woke up and again felt like I had the flu. It might seem simple, but that’s just the best way to describe it. Aching bones and muscles, headache, tired… but a little more. Tuesday night I felt fine and went downstairs and had dinner with the family.

On Wednesday, I felt like I had been beaten with a mallet. On top of feeling sick, I had my first shot of Neupugen. This drug helps in rebuilding the white blood cells that have been destroyed. I have to take nine injections of this drug after every chemo treatment (1 a day three days following treatment). Nurse Eric is in charge of making sure I get this shot every morning.

On both Thursday and Friday (today) mornings I felt fine… until I took the Neupgen shot. Both days that shot knocked me down. It feels pretty awful and I am fully aware as the drug travels through my legs. The only side effect I am currently experiencing is pain in the bones and muscles. Last night and today, I have started to notice that my nerve endings (fingers, toes, ears, hair, etc.) feel electric – like ‘pins & needles’. That feeling you get if your hand falls asleep. My scalp is starting to hurt and my hair hurts if tugged. I went to throw it in a ponytail and ouch… it’s just weird.

That’s it – so far. I feel like I have a crappy flu bug, with electricity running through my nerves and a never-ending headache. I am not sure if this is more or less of what I expected. Since chemotherapy is specific to each case and effects everyone differently I have been slow to have expectations. I was told that my hair would fall out within the first two weeks. I imagine that is what the pain and electric feel is. Curious if I find anything in the morning.

My emotions have been all over the place. There was a moment on Wednesday when I had the brief thought that I understand why people choose not to go through a second or third round of chemo.

For me I have my kids to fight for. I have a long life to live.

Moreover, I have a desire to someday return to the streets of Florence, Italy to see if the crazy lady is still dancing in the piazza.

1 Treatment down… 15 more to go!