The Dance

Earlier this year, I want to say in April, I overheard a conversation that really challenged my thinking and my habit of grabbing for control of every aspect of my life.

The conversation hit me hard because at the time Eric was looking for a job and seeking God in prayer for his next career opportunity. We had a couple good options on the table, our house was miraculously in escrow and the closing date was fast approaching, and I was starting to worry where we would be living in a month’s time. In the craziest of ways, God had provided financially through mini-jobs, gifts and forgotten rebate checks in the mail for our monetary needs. I believed fully that God was in control of our lives and had us exactly where we were supposed to be, however I admit, I had to remind myself often throughout the day to trust His plan.

The conversation that I overheard was a friend discussing a conflict that she was having regarding a power struggle over who would have which role in hosting a luncheon party. In verbally working through her frustration, my friend said:

“My need for control is such a character flaw, I need to work through this.”

What I heard, for myself (not for her or anyone else), was:

“My need for control is more than a character flaw,

it’s me wrestling with God for control,

WE need to work through this.”

As I started to think through this conviction, I began to see that my need for control is more than just being a strong “Type A” personality. Perhaps it is even more than an annoying character flaw. Maybe, my need for control is actually my telling God that I am good on my own. That I do not really need Him, that my plans and my timing (as opposed to His) are best for me.

This line of thinking challenged me to take this thought even further. What if my need to control others is even a statement of my lack of trust and struggle for control with God? What if my internal freak-outs when things are not perfect, my mental grasps for control when I think something should be done differently are actually the overflow of my struggle in trusting God with everything?

Over the past several months, I have found myself exercising my excellent control-freak skills and have had to step back in giving this conflict to the Lord. Sometimes these have been large issues like the purchase of our home, and at other times, they have been small instances, like how the dishwasher was loaded. In both the big and the small, I find repeatedly that I have to hand over my need for control to God. After several months of working through this reality, I’m coming to believe this struggle might just be something I have to battle daily for the rest of my life.

So, here we are, and I find myself faced with what will likely (hopefully) be the biggest trusting God moments of my life. After just one treatment of chemo I am here to testify that cancer and chemo suck. (I know that “suck” is not a lady-like word… but please don’t judge me. The other words I am thinking of are not appropriate for a pastors wife to publicly type.) I am preparing to go in again for Treatment #2 in just a few days… and the thought of purposely walking back into that room makes me queasy. The idea that I have 15 more treatments seems insane. The past two weeks have not been easy. I was knock-down sick for about 4 days, was tired and achy for a couple days, and then had a few normal good days, during which time I totally over did it physically resulting in exhaustion and these amazingly deep headaches which meant a couple more days of resting and avoiding an immune system crash. 

I should not be surprised, but the hardest thing has actually been giving up temporary control of my life. Giving up control of my kids and trusting family and friends to love and be enough for them. Giving up control of my home and trusting that my husband is able to keep the house clean the way I like. Giving up control of the bills and administrative house duties and trusting that everything will be taken care of. Giving up control of the controlled structured life I like to lead.

Thanks to the mind-altering insight God started preparing me with months ago, I am again working to trust Him and lean on Him for the peace I need as I learn to give up control. I am trusting that God has given me the perfect family and friends to help watch my kids when I am unable. Trusting that God gave me a husband more than capable of not only serving the children dinner, giving them baths and getting them to bed; but also a man able of keeping the house clean and paperwork/bills taken care of. Trusting that if I need to take a nap; the world will not fall apart.

Some people make trusting God and giving Him control look easy.

I wish I could say it is easy. For me it is more daily, more hourly and sometimes even more momentarily.

And maybe that’s exactly how He wants it. That He and I would dance a dance of:

Handing Him control, giving Him my trust,

Handing Him control, trusting He is stronger,

Handing Him control, knowing we are in His care,

Handing Him control, thanking Him for family and friends,

Handing Him control, believing in His love,

Handing Him control, surrendering my fears,

Handing Him control, resting in His peace.

This dance could go on and on. 

And since I like to dance, and it appears God likes to dance with me... we will. 

George Costanza: I did happen to pick up one little nugget of entertainment. 

Have you ever seen Elaine dance? 

Jerry: Elaine danced? 

George Costanza: More like a full-bodied dry heave set to music.