In the past several weeks, I have been accused of a few things. I’ve been blamed of being courageous, joyful, and full of faith. I know these accusations come in the forms of encouragement and compliments … but I need to come clean. Truth is, I am scared, I am not always so happy and my faith is a daily walk of trust.
A friend from elementary school sent me a verse the other day that is now my ‘Spirit Verse’. Kinda like a cheer I have needed to treasure within my heart… my ra-ra-shish-coom-bah!
This passage comes from 2 Corinthians 12:9-10, where the Apostle Paul is sharing about a “thorn in his flesh” (ailment) that he believed he had been given as a way to keep him (Paul) from becoming conceited and in full awareness of his daily need for Christ.
9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
I have never really understood this passage. And now, I believe maybe it was a gift waiting for the right time in my life for my heart to be able to understand it. I am finding that in this journey of life, this transition through time, there are new wonders and discoveries along every step of the path. I believe there are things one can study in depth, but until you truly experience it, you have no idea the power or truth behind the theory. (Grace is another one of these things… but that is for another blog.)
So here is my attempt to be honest and to share that ‘it wasn’t always like this’.
It Wasn’t Always Like This…Part 1
The Angry Years
In December of 2005, we decided to move back to California from Georgia. It had been a fun and eye opening journey, but it was time to go home. Things just had not worked out as planned and I was pregnant and wanted to be near family to raise our children. Our house sold in under a week, my job transferred me to a great position in a local Sacramento office, and Eric had a new job brewing in the works. God was in control of everything and it was abundantly clear by His provision and how things fell into place that we were making the right decision.
From December 2005 to March 1, 2006 I was Happy. On March 2nd, around 7:20am things changed. The happiness faded and a new companion named Angry Bitterness entered my life.
You see that morning our life was derailed from our plans. We found out that our baby was dead inside me and I would need to deliver her still. I had never know anyone who had a stillbirth and had no idea what club we had just joined. (The full story of our daughter Madison can be read in the blogpost entitled “The Tiniest Teacher”.)
Shock set in. Followed by anger. Denial. Disbelief. More anger. Reasoning. Bargaining. And then more anger. Anger had decided to move-in long term and everyone around me just needed to get used to it.
How could God do this? How could God let this happen? If he is all-powerful, why didn’t he stop this from happening? If he did not stop it, was it fair to say he killed my baby? (These are big questions, and slowly I believe I am finding the answers that I need. But honestly, unless you need the answers, you really need not ask these questions.) Even as a pastors wife I had these hard questions. Surprisingly (to others, not me), my husband’s occupation did not take away the pain of our loss. Despite the fact that we are at church a lot I found no comfort in the idea that “God needed an angel” or the idea that my baby dying was “Gods will.” Why not someone else’s baby… how about your baby? Truth be told, these words hurt deep and further added to the division I already felt with this God who had the power to save my baby, but didn’t. I was mad… at just about everything.
I was not a good pastors wife. I had decided everything religious was a crock and I was less than supportive of his job. I went to church… but not happily. I remember one night when Eric came home excited for a great night at youth group and I verbally blew him up and told him my angry feelings about God, his job, and the life I was trapped in. I wanted my baby more than anything and did not care whom I hurt in making sure everyone around me knew how much pain I was in. In retrospect, I am grateful that my behavior did not cost Eric his job or spirit.
We started attending Sharing Parents, a support group for parents that have lost babies from the point of conception through 6 months of age. At this group, I found other angry people. These people understood my pain and gave me permission to cry. Eric found other husbands who wanted their loving wives back. As time went on, we found that these people, our new friends, were the perfect place to begin to heal from our pain. They understood that just because I was pregnant with another baby did not mean that I was magically done hurting from my loss. They walked with us through our pregnancy with Nathan and celebrated his safe arrival.
I also went to a psychiatrist, who I believe gave me my life back. She taught me how to balance my moods through journaling and she gave me the best homework and advice that I had received through the experience. Mt assignment was to find a Bible study, outside of my church, where my husband and I could participate together. It just so happened that a small group of friends from my college years was starting a Bible study so we jumped in.
Nathan was born. Joy entered our home. However, I still wrestled with Anger. I became a volunteer with Sharing Parents and began giving back to other parents walking through the darkness of losing a child. Nevertheless, I still danced with Anger. He showed up less frequently, and was not as obnoxious as before, but Anger was still living in my pocket, ready to come out at any moment.
I remember being at my brother’s house for a New Years Eve party to bring in 2008. We had a great time celebrating with a large crowd of family and friends. We cheered as the Times Square ball dropped and circled up as a group to began the traditional sharing of New Year resolutions. Some people vowed to never make a resolution; some decided they would water ski more that year. Someone shared their plan to start their family, which of course meant the men in the room began to grunt and utter subtle jokes. When it was my turn, I faced my fear as I shared, “This year, I want to get right with God and deal with Him regarding losing our baby.” Well, if your looking for a way to sober up a party, mentioning dead babies is the way to do it. But, it was honest and that was my resolution for the year. Thankfully, the party picked back up and we had a fabulous time. So now, the pressure was on. Before a crowd of witnesses I was determined to kick Anger to the curb and fill that emotional spot with something else.
But how the heck do you do that?
Coming soon…
It Wasn’t Always Like This…
Part 2
The Transformation
Nathan, at 4 1/2 yrs is one of the most interesting and funny people I know. He has worn a collared button-up shirt, dress pants, and fancy church shoes daily for the past 2 months... he's my little 'Alex P. Keaton' and I love his quirky ways.
