A Walk To Remember

My sweet family wearing pink
and showing me love & support.
Photo by Nicolette Jean Photography

I have received several sweet “how you doing” & “are you okay” messages in the past few days as I have been pretty quiet lately. So sorry to be in hiding… I am just ridiculously tired. I’ve had so many people that have not had cancer, go through chemo or do radiation treatments assure me that radiation would be a breeze, but contrary to popular belief, it has kinda been like a daily beating. I’ve heard from a few people who have gone through radiation (without chemo) that the symptoms usually associated with radiation start to appear during week three – which is what my doctor told me to expect. Yet, I have spoken to three other women who went through chemo and radiation (like me) and they have confirmed what I am feeling… that the fatigue hits in the first few days. I am so tired it is bizarre.

Additionally, for me radiation has been a very emotional and mental fight. I have actually been surprised by this reality. Even though I am usually in and out of the radiation center in less than 15 minutes, almost every day there has been some sort of emotional exchange while in the facility. On my 1^st day of treatment, I laid on the table for about 45 minutes as they re-aligned my ink marks with the laser beam. My ears were full of tears that had dripped down my face as I oozed emotion through my tear ducts. Because I could not move, the tears just pooled up. You feel so vulnerable lying there naked as this enormous machine encircles you working its magic. A Survivor Sister shared the following verse with me, which she said she would meditate on during radiation as she prayed for protection from burning, pain, and radiation going anywhere besides where it is supposed to be. Psalm 121:5 “The LORD himself watches over you! The LORD stands beside you as your protective shade.” I have found great comfort in these words… but still, some days are hard.

10 treatments down... 23 to go!

But enough about that… I need to share about how awesome the Relay For Life was! First off… thank you to so many of you for your donation to the American Cancer Society. Together we raised $2, 956!!! I am proud to share that I won the award for ”Most Money Raised By An Individual” – but really the winner is American Cancer Society and the cancer patients, future patients, families and research that will be done as a result of your amazing generosity. All I can say is that being completely obnoxious about fundraising totally paid off! I know many of you made donations in memory of loved ones – it was my honor to walk for them and you.

The Survivor Walk

The day was great. I got there at 7:30am for the Survivors Breakfast - they really did treat us like royalty. Then after the opening ceremony I walked arm in arm with two Survivor Sisters that I have come to love as we strutted our stuff around the field in the Survivors Lap. My husband and kids came out to cheer me on and as I got up to join the other survivors on the track, my little Nathan hollered, “Have fun Mommy!” It was fun. When we got back to the start he wanted to know if I won. With tears, my answer was “Yes.”

I had made a challenge to
take a lap in high heels.
Well... I did my best. 

There were booths set up around the track with raffles and stuff to buy to help make money for ACS. I was able to personally decorate the luminary bags that had been donated by my friends/family in memory of a loved one. Some friends came to visit and walk with me, there was a special Survivors lunch, special music and all sorts of activities throughout the day. Oh… and I walked 6 of the half hour blocks around the field as part of our relay team. Was I tired? Yes. Was it a good day? One of the best.

As the sun began to set, they lit all of the luminary bags that lined the field. There was a special Luminary Ceremony and then everyone in attendance walked a lap in silence in memory of those lost to cancer, which was followed by a lap where bagpipes played Amazing Grace. It was a somber, humbling experience. Seeing all of the hundreds of bags, each representing a life stole by this nasty disease. I think I experienced every possible emotion while walking those laps. As Eric held my hand tightly, I cried tears of sadness and joy. I felt angry and saved. So many thoughts crossed my mind… what an experience.

The morning belonged to survivors. The day to the fight. And the night belonged to those lost. It really was a beautiful event.

Look at my fancy paper certificate.!
Woot - Woot

I camped out over night with my team and hung out until and 9:00am for the closing ceremony and to participate in the final lap. I’m so glad I stuck it out. After winning the award, I was able to get into a conversation with the coordinator of our local ACS events. I ask her how I could volunteer for the ‘Making Strides Against Breast Cancer’ walk that is held in October at the capitol. She looked at me and asked, “Do you want to volunteer that day… or serve on the committee?” Well… since she put it that way, I chose to join the committee. Our first meeting is in a few weeks so I don’t yet know what I got myself into, but I do know that I have been asking God what the heck he wants me to do with this experience, so maybe this is the beginning of something exciting.

I know I can say it a million times, but I do not know that you can all truly comprehend how much I appreciate your support in this. Being part of Relay For Life was bigger than me or my story… which was cool. It was a way to give back to an organization that helped me personally and helps so many others on a daily basis. This was an important mark in my journey and a huge step toward hope and healing… thank you!

 ***As a community, the Elk Grove Relay For Life raised a tad over $85,000! 

I want to recognize so many of you that added to the success of this event. 

Thanks a million!

Challenge To Donate - Businesses

Whiteley Photography  (Donated 3 Portrait Sessions)

Cupcake Cuties Bakery (Donated 6 Dozen Gourmet Cupcaked)

Ammin Nut Company   (Donated an Almond Butter Gift Basket)

Luminaries Donated In Memory Of:

Joanne Clark

Jan Irey

Dan Angeloni “Big Papa”

Julio Torres

Luann Larson

Thank you for your donation to the 

America Cancer Society. (In no particular order…)

In Memory of Joann Clark

Andria & Rob St. Evans

Rosa & David Magana

Lynell Cuthberson

Ed & Donna Monroe

Deanna & Mike Lockhart

Ken & Stacey Hisey

Barbara & Tom Sisson

Rhonna Dra

Al & Carroll Amator

David Key

Holly Cybuski

Joel Archer

Sally & Bob Finkbeiner

Ryan & Megan Marcroft

In Memory of Jan Irey

Anna Schwiesenger

Pam Robertson

Emily Brown

Pat & Bob Montgomery

Gaye & Tom Bone

Heather & Chris Bendinelli

Nancy & Bruce Lofgren

Camryn Thomas

Bobbie Lewis

Louisa Bwers

Lori & Scott Bergenstock

Susan & Tim Jones

Jennifer Buwella

Liz & Tim Driessen

In Memory of Dan Angeloni

Joni & Glen Kelley

Bradi Lomack

Candice Morton

Gregg & Candice Stetzer

Kim Key

Stu & Christal Kapicka

Gary Perkowitz

Phillip & Emily Ramey

Frank & Shirley DeLange

Kelly & Rodrigo Rodriguez

Faith Conley

Jennifer Brooks

Rebecca Hainz-bBxter

Melissa & Toby Van Horn

In Memory of Julio Torres

Kyle & Rebecca Bruns

Heather & Aren Bazzocco

Shannon Anderson

Gayle Calderone

Shandela & Dane Brooks

Signe Weeks

Glen & Debbie Brasel

Amy & Michael Erwin

Elisabeth & Joel Walsh

Clay & Francine Whiteley

Nancy Fiole

Julianne Christ

Danielle & Jay Joost

Kristen & Jason Fullmore

In Memory of Luann Larson

Eather & Ron Marcroft

Tom & Debbie Ramsay

Leslie & Bill Randall

Rebecca Erickson

Michael & Brooke McClimans

Sommer & Eric Horn

Gary & Kris Randall

*** If I forgot anyone I am so sorry. It would not mean that your donation didn’t go through… it would have been my error in tracking emails. 

My Survivor Sister Jackie & I flashing our medals!

The "Hope Wall"
Yes... Eric and Leah are sword fighting.

Nathan signed the "Hope Wall"

Little Missy and Mommy

Self Portrait
"Time To Get Some Rest"

Overwhelming Joy

Just two more days until the Elk Grove American Cancer Society’s ‘Relay for Life’! I am getting excited and looking forward to camping out and being a part of this 24-hour event. So far, with your help, I have been able to raise $2,001 in donations for the American Cancer Society. Thank you to all that have donated. This really is huge! Last week I got a tickle out of watching my name be #1 out of nearly 600 participants in fundraising – kinda felt famous. Over the weekend, 2 jerks (just kidding) stepped up and took 1^st and 2^nd place… but it’s not over till it’s over. Just $20 more and I kick some clueless dude into 3rd place! (Yeah… I’m a tad bit competitive.) Please join me in this fight and consider donating to the American Cancer Society through my Relay Page: Kelly Joppa Relay Page.

Due to currently going through radiation therapy, and the need to avoid direct sunlight, I will be doing most of my shifts during the evening and throughout the night. If you happen to look at your clock at 2:30am, think of me… I will be out on the track strutting along taking on cancer in the still of the night.

As an added incentive to donate, a gift basket from Ammin Nut was given to me for a little drawing I will hold Saturday morning. If you donate $5 or more, your name will go in the drawing and you could win an assortment of products made with the highest quality Nonpareil almonds right here in California. This gift was donated by my cousin’s cousin (got that) and is a wonderfully healthy food choice – especially if you are into the paleo-diet or looking to increase the ‘natural’ products you consume. Anyways, I thought this was an awesome prize and grateful to Ammin Nut for the donation!

Thanks to you all for your support!

I will share about radiation therapy and how that is going in my next post, but today I wanted to share about something cool that I have experienced over the past week. I’m sure that some of you will know what I am talking about and you will know how rare it is that you get one of these “God” moments. If you cannot relate to me that is okay… but I hope you can understand that what I experienced was more than just a feeling. It was something special.

Lately I have really been trying to make a conscience effort to have the TV off for the majority of the day. My goal is to have it off by 10am and instead fill the house with music. Sometimes we listen to one of the kids Disney CD’s, sometimes 80’s music, sometimes we listen to Christian praise, but if my little boy Nathan gets a vote, we listen to the Coffee House station. Yes, my son loves the variety, coolness and the acoustic sound of coffeehouse music. This is awesome, because I do too.

My littlest dancing partner.
(Note the trains track that have taken over the living room.)

Anyway, I was making lunch and the kids were playing in the living room. Jack Johnson’s ‘Bubble Toes’ came on. I dropped what I was doing and went over to sing and dance with the kids. Picking up Leah and spinning in circles. She giggled and clung to me as we twirled. Then I put her down and grabbed my big boy. As I sang “La da da da da da” along with the drumbeat, we spun in circles as I avoided falling on his train tracks. Nathan’s smile was beaming and Leah squealed “Me mama, me.” It was the perfect mom moment. Then it happened, a rush of God’s peace and overwhelming joy seemed to cover me from the inside out. I broke into tears; tears of gratitude for life itself. I felt a peace that spoke to my heart. Inside I heard myself think, “if this is as good as it gets, then it is well.” In that moment, I remembered that under 2 months ago I could barely lift my kids up, much less dance, sing and give them 110% of my energy. It was a perfect moment… but not one I had created, if was a gift from my God.

Tuesday night we had a big party at my house with all of my immediate family and children to celebrate my cousin and her 3-month-old son visiting. 9 adults and 8 kids under 7 laughed, played and enjoyed the beautiful spring evening in our backyard. Eric was on the BBQ perfecting the tri-tip and I was running around doing one of the things I love to do most – host. I had run into the house to grab something for one of the kids and for some reason looked out my kitchen window and just broke down. Again tears of gratitude flowed. I am so thankful for my family, my home, the many joys in my life and foremost my health. Again, I thought about how just months ago I would have to sit and ask for help and how a gathering like this would have wiped me out.

Despite cancer, God has been so good to me. I know it is crazy, but in some ways, I feel like I have been the lucky one to have gone through this awful experience. I have been blessed beyond measure by the kindness and generosity of friends. My family has been loved on in more ways than I can list. I have found that enduring and seeking joy in all circumstance is worth it. And more than anything, I have again tasted the goodness and peace offered only by Christ. It does not mean that cancer has been fun or easy or pain free. Actually, quiet the contrary. I am just saying, this experience has taught me so much about myself, God and others… that I win.

Remember that glowing man at target that said, “Good things are to come.”

He was right.

Look for me in the "Survivors Lap". I'll be the one smiling!

Luminary Memory Bags at the
American Cancer Society's Relay for Life

A few weeks ago, I read an article about the importance of mentally transitioning from being a cancer patient to being a cancer survivor. In the article, the author wrote about how her fears had stayed with her for months following chemotherapy and at a follow-up check-up nearly a year after being clean, her doctor spoke to her about the need to change her self-perception and accept that she no longer HAD cancer. She needed to view herself as a survivor and needed to live her life to the fullest. I had just seen my oncologist a few days before reading the article and it made me think about how he wanted me to understand that cancer was now in my past.

This is what the port looks like. It
is a bump about the size of a quarter
under my skin just below my collar
bone. Two tubes are laced into arteries,
one up my neck and one down
 into my chest.

During the last week of March, I had to go into the chemotherapy treatment center to have my port flushed. I will need to go monthly to have it flushed with saline until I choose to have it removed. Eric and I have decided to wait for 3 clean scans before I schedule to have the surgery to take it out. Since I need to go for mammograms every 3 months, in 9 months I will have this lovely little machine extracted. Anyways, I walked into the lab full of confidence and excitement to see the nurses that I have come to love. When I sat down in the waiting room, it was the first time I realized I was on the other side. I wasn’t there to get poisoned. I wasn’t going to leave feeling sick. I wasn’t going to need help that night with the kids. I was just a girl, with a port, that needed it flushed out.

Last week a fellow-sister-survivor invited me to walk with her in the Survivors Lap at our local Elk Grove - American Cancer Society’s Relay for Life. After about 5 seconds of thinking about it I decided that yes… I would be honored to walk in the SURVIVORS LAP. Then a few days later my friend Heidi invited me to join her family team and participate in the 24-hour-relay. I am excited to join their team and work to keeping the baton moving for 24 hours without stopping. It’s a big commitment, but I’m up for it.

So anyway, this is the part where I solicit your support and donation toward supporting this organization that has personally helped me through my fight. Don’t worry, I’m not asking for a lot. Knowing how hard it is for me to ask for donations, I committed to raising the very obtainable goal of $100. I figure if every FaceBook friend could donate 15¢ or if the regular viewers of this blog could donate 40¢, it is very possible that I could actually reach my very obtainable goal.

This is the generic letter that the American Cancer Society provide for me to distribute:

Dear Friend:

I am participating in the American Cancer Society’s Relay For Life because I want to make a meaningful difference in the fight against cancer. Almost everyone has been touched by cancer, either through their own personal battle or through someone they love.



Every day, the American Cancer Society is helping us stay well by preventing cancer or finding it at its earliest, most treatable stages. They assist families in finding the best resources to help their friend or loved one deal with a diagnosis and their journey to get well. The American Cancer Society is also rallying communities (like ours!) through events like Relay For Life, to fight back and find cures for this disease.

Please join my team or make a donation to help the American Cancer Society create a world with less cancer and more birthdays. Together, we can help make sure that cancer never steals another year of anyone’s life!

And here’s my heartfelt letter to you:

Dear Friends & Family:

The day I found out I had cancer will forever be engraved in my memory. I was at my aunt’s house feeding my 15-month-old baby in the high chair when the phone rang. I recognized that it was a number from the hospital so I excused myself, stepping over my 4-year-old playing trains in the center of the room. As the doctor told me about the results of my biopsy, I calmly took notes of every word he spoke and thanked him kindly for the horrible news. I then calmly told my aunt I had an aggressive form of cancer, asked her to watch the kids and then drove to my husbands work to inform him that our life had just taken yet another bump. When he started crying, I started crying. Those were my first tears. We went to my parents house to inform them that their baby girl (me) had cancer. Then I went to my sister’s house to share the news with her. When I read the details I had scribbled down to them, I watched my brother-in-law’s face (who is a cancer research analyst for UC Davis) change from concern to worry. He understood the diagnosis. Through his face, we knew this was going to be a big deal.

This little pillow actually meant a lot to me.
It clearly came from the loving hands of someone that
understood what it was like to have a lumpectomy. 

At my pre-surgery visit, the nurse gave me a bag of books about cancer, chemo, radiation, etc. A full 3 inches of material to read. There was also a small floral pillow made by volunteers that the nurse told me would be helpful after surgery for when I needed to wear a seatbelt in the car. She encouraged me to register with the American Cancer Society so that I could find out about all of the services they had to offer.

The day before I went into surgery, I made the call. A kind woman answered the phone and took my information. We talked for close to an hour, and I think she would have talked to me for 4 hours if I needed it. She shared about the financial assistance they had for transportation costs to patients that needed help in driving to treatment. They had volunteers available to drive me to treatments if I needed it. They had classes & support groups, online or at various hospitals. She even mentioned a class called ‘Look Good, Feel Better’ where I could learn to do make-up around my eyes and how to draw on eyebrows after my eyelashes and eyebrows fell out. She was honest and clear. I felt supported and understood.

Free make-up?
Yes, please!

After my 2^nd chemotherapy treatment and my hair had fallen out I went to the ‘Look Good, Feel Better’ class. At the class, I sat with 6 other women who were going through treatment too. One of the older ladies scolded me for not wearing my face mask in the hospital halls. My husband had been telling me I needed to wear it, but when this fellow cancer patient spoke, I somehow understood the need to take responsibility for my immune system and myself. We put on make-up, they showed us different wigs, and head wraps offer by ACS and the volunteers handed out crocheted beanies. We were given a bag of make-up donated by a variety of cosmetic companies throughout the country. Everyone teaching the class had experienced hair loss and had gone through chemo treatment. In that room, I was normal.

I appreciate that the American Cancer Society does not single out any one particular cancer. I appreciate that they were there for me with resources and support as a patient. And I appreciate that, “No single nongovernmental, not-for-profit organization in the US has invested more to find the causes and cures of cancer than the American Cancer Society.”

Please consider supporting me and the American Cancer Society as I joyfully, proudly and gratefully walk in the Survivors Lap and participate at the Relay for Life event in Elk Grove on Saturday, April 28^th. Any size donation will help me reach my very obtainable goal of $100. With your generous donation, we might be able to actually make a difference in the life of the next young mother who is shocked to find out that she too has been diagnosed with cancer. 

Here’s the link to my Relay for Life page: Kelly Joppa's Relay For Life Page

Thank you in advance on behalf of cancer patients, families and survivors that will benefit from your donation.

Love,

Kelly

*** If you would like to honor a loved one with a luminary bag the night of the event you can find that button on my page as well. If you choose to do this, please let me know and I will try to find the bag and take a picture of it for you.

I am hoping that this is the right step… or lap… or 100 laps in the right direction toward confirming that I am a survivor!

Nobody Likes A Whiner

This has been a strange week of mental processing and emotions. The Genetic Counselor called last Wednesday to give me the results of the BRCA gene test. Apparently, I am NEGATIVE for the gene. I was praying for this result. But… and it’s a big but… when we spoke he said, “Honestly I am shocked by this result. I thought for sure you would be positive.” He went on to explain that while I am BRCA negative, it is his belief that I likely have a different less dominant hereditary cancer gene, one that science has likely not yet discovered. He encouraged me to contact his office in three years for evaluation for any new tests that might have become available. He also recommended that I begin ovarian cancer screening and blood tests. Yippee.

Therefore, I do not need to have the surgeries, which should make me happy… but I’m not really. I was expecting to find peace… but I did not. I thought the fear of having to one day tell my kids that they have a 50% chance of cancer would be gone… but it’s still in me. I thought I would be able to blame my ancestors of old... but I cannot. I am frustrated. As much as I wanted a negative result, not having an answer to “why” I had cancer, especially at such a young age, has made me angry.

Truthfully, this is the first time in this journey that I have really been mad. I’m mad that I don’t know “why” cancer likes me. I am mad that I’m once again in this category of the unknown. I’m even mad (I know this is kinda crazy) that I won’t be having surgery, as I had convinced myself that by having the hysterectomy and mastectomy that I would at least be eliminating two main locations that cancer could reappear... therefore beating it at it’s own game. And I’m really mad that I have to go through radiation. I knew it was coming, but I’m angry that now that I am finally feeling good, once again life will be interrupted with a 6 week, 30 day reminder that cancer is part of my life.

Today I will go to the Radiologist Oncologist to have the MRI done for my upcoming radiation therapy. The MRI will allow the radiologist to make a 3-D image of the exact location (distance, depth, diameter) where they need to beam the radiation. They will also give me my first tattoo ever… 4 boring little marks showing exactly where they need to radiate me throughout the treatment.

This week has made me think of something that we discussed a few weeks ago in Bible Study. We were discussing anger and how it is a natural human emotion, which we all experience. The discussion surrounded the idea that while we may become angry, it is important to be careful what we do with our anger. (Ephesians 4:26-27 “In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.") I have tried, but I have failed at not sinning in my anger this week. I have had such a short temper with my husband and kids. I am angry with God. I've just been plain pissy. I am not proud of it… and I am very aware that in my anger I am giving the devil a foothold.

I’m hoping that this emotion passes soon, cause if it doesn’t it’s going to be a long 6 weeks of kicking and screaming and whining to radiation. 

And let’s face, like I tell my kids… nobody likes a whiner!

Here's a glimpse of one of the many
bright spots this past week. Leah, 21 months,
playing at our churches Easter Family Fun Day.
Isn't she just the sweetest!

A New Season

One of my favorite things about my husband is that he loves Easter. Easter has long been my favorite holiday. I love the tradition of kids dying and hunting eggs. I love Peeps and Cadbury Eggs (although I have not had a single one this year.) I love gathering with my family for a meal. I love the slightly twisted play that my mom has the kids do depicting the Easter story. I love Easter Sunday service and celebrating the resurrection and singing songs like “The Old Rugged Cross” and “Wondrous Cross.” I love the somber reflection of Good Friday and the joyfulness of Easter Sunday when you are greeted at church by excited voices exclaiming “He is Risen!” However, for all that I love Easter, my husband loves it more. The man’s joy for Easter far exceeds his excitement of any other holiday. You see, for him Easter was not always a special holiday, but when his life changed and he met Jesus, this day became the most important day of the year. When we first met, I didn’t really get it. Thankfully, his enthusiasm has rubbed off on me and hopefully our children will get the Easter bug too.

From our home to yours, we wish you a peaceful and joyful Holy Week!

Since my last post, several people have asked for an update on the juicing fast. I did promise a report on what I discovered. First off, I made it all 10 days. I will admit that due to being in environments where I was without juice I did cheat three times. I ate two apples (two different occasions) and had stir fry veggies one meal. It’s not like I busted out the Girl Scout cookies in the back of my pantry, but it was technically cheating so I felt it was only fair to fess up. After ending the fast I decided to continue to stick with the plant based diet and juicing at least one meal a day and so far, I think this is the right thing for me. I’ve have meat once since I started this life change and I’m not quite sure I want to say that I will give it up forever… but I’m leaning that way. So for three weeks I have been practically completely free of processed sugar, caffeine, dairy, starch and meat. I am surprised that I have more energy than before and actually find that I crave veggies and fruit when I do feel hungry. I should add that nuts have been good for taking off the edge. For the first time I cooked with couscous and lentil beans and well, they were not as awful as I had expected. Actually, we were both surprised that they were pretty yummy.

For those of you that asked for info on juicing here are some helpful sites:

* If you are interested in doing a reboot this site is helpful in providing a plan, juice recipes and for support and encouragement: http://www.jointhereboot.com/index.php?lang=en

* My basic and favorite green juice recipe: http://myjuicecleanse.com/juicer-recipes/mean-green-juice-recipes/

* Tons of juice recipes: http://juicerrecipesnow.com/
*** Be careful when searching the internet for recipes. It's easy to be attracted to the all fruit juices. They are delicious, but the have a lot of sugar and you should be sure you are mainly consuming the "green" vegetable juices as they provide the nutrients you need. After I finished the juice fast I have decided to make smoothies out of fruit instead of juice. I just had a problem with all the waste... it's too yummy to throw away. 

I feel great. Of course just about anything feels better than when you are loaded with chemo… but really, I feel awesome. My face completely cleaned up.  I am sleeping better than I have in years. I have increased energy throughout the day. And I have lost about 13 lbs. Thanks to so many of you that have written and encouraged me in this change. (Also I was gifted a 4 month supply of Juice Plus+. I will share about this product after I have had some time to witness its effects and be able to share my thoughts.)

I have not heard back from the geneticist yet. I carried my cell phone in my pocket almost all last week waiting for the call. In fairness they said it would take 2 to 3 weeks and this Wednesday will make 3 weeks so I am not freaking out or anything yet. I am just eager to get on with whatever our next step is. Sadly, one of my first cousins has recently been diagnosed with breast cancer too. Due to the amount of cancer in our family, her doctor had her take the BRCA gene test up front. We heard that her results were negative which is great news… I am hoping it is a good sign for my results too.

In the mean time, I find that I have more to do in a day than time allows. The kids are forever busy and keeping me on my toes. This week I am planning to get my vegetable garden planted and finish with the landscaping update that I started a few days ago. There is just something spiritual about gardening. It is therapeutic and healing. Breathing fresh air, playing in the dirt and watching the miracle of life (yes, even if it be plant life) is uplifting to my body and soul. It’s hard to believe a month ago I was sick in bed feeling miserable.

I am so, so thankful for this new season!

Listening To Thieves

Three men hung crying (naked)

Rain spilling down

Through their feet

But one man spilled blood

Three men hung talking (naked)

One was groaning

The other searching

For the third man’s

Knowing

Three men hung praying (naked)

One was cursing

The other pleading

And the third was

Calling Out

Three me hung dying (naked)

One tasted fire

In his carcass wasted

The other was carried

By the third

-Kevin Max Smith

The Next Step Of The Journey

Man, this past week has just flown by! When you go from laying around all but a few hours a day back to the reality of keeping up with 2 small energetic, crazy kids it feels like your spinning in a tornado. We have stayed pretty busy catching up on the life that I so missed living. I dusted off my bike and we have taken several trips to the park. We met up with friends at Wacky Tacky. We also took a quick trip to Chico to see my cousin and her best friend give their 8^th grade presentations. My cousin’s best friend had interviewed me in early January for her report on breast cancer. Being her “research” I was honored to be invited to hear her report. She did a fabulous job on her presentation and did a great job public speaking. It’s been fun… but man am I tired. I hit a wall a couple days ago and let the TV take care of the kids for the day. I know it’s not optimum, but sometime you just have to do what you need to do.

My appointments last week went well. Depending on the results of the BRACA testing (which should be back within the next 2 weeks) we will know when, or if, I will start radiation. If the test is positive, I will opt for the surgeries, eliminating the need for radiation. Soon we will know what the next step looks like. My appointment with my Oncologist was great. After checking me out he said, “You need to know that I have changed your patient status from ‘cancer patient’ to ‘history of cancer’. It’s in your past, in your history. Good job, you did great.” As he spoke, I broke into tears. He gave me a hug. I gave him a hug. I cried. He smiled. I breathed. He nodded his head and shared in my joy. A weight was lifted in that moment. I feel free for now.

So now, we march into the future…

There was a moment a few months ago where I had a true ‘ah-ha’ moment. I was standing at the kitchen sink trying to wash the dishes. In that moment, my body was weak, my muscles ached, and the slight bend of my back over the sink was killing me. I was tired and irritable. A hot flash came over me, kicking me while I already felt down. I remember thinking how pathetic it was that I could barley stand there to do such a simple task. I clearly remember that in my head I heard myself say, “You have taken your health for granted.” This statement is true. You often do not know what you have until you have lost it. Before cancer I did not understand the importance of valuing my health – it was just always there and things were fine.

I do not think I mentioned this before, but as a side effect from the steroids in the chemo I gained close to 20 lbs during the 12 week treatment of Taxol. The last few weeks my skin also seemed to break out in red bumps (kind of like acne, but nothing to pop. Gross, I know, sorry.) As you can imagine, feeling blotchy, puffy, bloated, and bald has a way of making a girl feel less than pretty. I tried to keep a positive attitude, but every time I looked in the mirror there was a reminder of how chemo had beaten up my body and altered my appearance. I have been determined that once this was over I wanted to take steps to feel healthy again.

 Throughout this cancer journey I have begun a quest for understanding health and diet a little more. After all, my favorite food is candied peach rings, so clearly my understanding of good eating is a bit messed up. I have been given several resources and notes from friends and family about clean eating. I watched a documentary called ‘Fat, Sick & Nearly Dead’ that really got me thinking and evaluating my diet lifestyle. I read most of The pH Miracle: Balance Your Diet, Reclaim Your Health. Learned a ton about the Crazy, Sexy Diet from my Crazy, Sexy Cancer book. I watched a ton of Dr. Oz and recently watched the movie ‘Forks Over Knives’ which takes a look at food and it’s impact on disease. With all of these sources of info flooding my brain it has really made me evaluate what I can do to treat my body better and live a healthier life.

It is a strange place to be as a cancer patient. The oncology/medical science world does not seem to endorse or encourage you to follow any particular diet. They do not recognize studies by dietitians as concrete (from my experience). Yet in the world of dietetics, there are all sorts of studies that link diet to disease and even cures for disease. Being Triple Negative, we felt it was necessary to take the most aggressive form of treatment, however some people (depending on their diagnosis) choose to use food and ancient remedies to heal their bodies. Honestly, this is all bigger than my understanding (What is a candied peach ring anyway?) but what I do know is that if I can do something, anything, to help my body and health then now is the time to take action.

Several weeks ago, I visited my friend’s church and the pastor was preaching out of Daniel Chapter 1. While his message was on a different topic, I read ahead and found an interesting passage that I had never seen before. In the passage, Daniel (along with Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego) had been captured by King Nebuchadnezzar and were sent to his palace to basically be brainwashed to be one of his loyal followers/servants. They were not treated harshly like slaves, but instead given the same royal food and wine and sent to school to learn the language and ways of Nebuchadnezzar’s kingdom. Okay, so here’s what caught my eye:

Daniel, Chapter 1, 8-16:

 8 But Daniel resolved not to defile himself with the royal food and wine, and he asked the chief official for permission not to defile himself this way. 9 Now God had caused the official to show favor and sympathy to Daniel, 10 but the official told Daniel, “I am afraid of my lord the king, who has assigned your food and drink. Why should he see you looking worse than the other young men your age? The king would then have my head because of you.”

 11 Daniel then said to the guard whom the chief official had appointed over Daniel, Hananiah, Mishael and Azariah, 12 “Please test your servants for ten days: Give us nothing but vegetables to eat and water to drink. 13 Then compare our appearance with that of the young men who eat the royal food, and treat your servants in accordance with what you see.” 14 So he agreed to this and tested them for ten days. 

15 At the end of the ten days they looked healthier and better nourished than any of the young men who ate the royal food. 16 So the guard took away their choice food and the wine they were to drink and gave them vegetables instead.

Reading that passage was a tipping point moment for me. What a testament to the value of a clean plant based diet! Additionally, when I met with the geneticists last week, after he heard that my dad & all 3 of his siblings, along with my grandmother and great-grandmother all had diabetes, looked at me and said “you realize your genetically destined for diabetes”. No need to argue or dwell over this topic any longer. I need to make a change, and it needs to be more than just a fad diet. A real life change and moving to a mainly plant based diet is the change I want to make. (Knock on wood!) My husband of course is terrified that I will go all vegan and we will never eat meat again. No… that’s not my plan, but I do want to choose food from the earth over all the processed foods I have gorged on all my life.

I know that some of you are shaking your head in agreement and some of you think I have been brainwashed and have gone to the ‘dark side’. I know you are scared that I have become a hippie-loving-tree-hugger…or worse, a liberal. (To my liberal friends – you know I am just kidding. To my conservative friends - you know what I’m talking about.) For those of you that think I am crazy, I double-dog-dare you to watch ‘Fat, Sick & Nearly Dead’. The first time I watched it I was inspired and motivated to make a change. The second time I watched it I was taken by the way that the average American cares so little about their health, diet and life expectancy. Check it out (also available on Netflix and Hulu):

For those of you who are smiling and giddy that you have a new convert, please be patient with me. This is a completely new way of doing life and I thank you ahead of time for your support and help as I try to fight this new fight for better health. Today marks the 8^th day of a 10 day juice fast/reboot/detox. Just veggies and a little fruit. My mom had a juicer that my aunt gave her years ago. It is older as not as flashy as the new sports car-like machines, but it gets the job done. So far, I have increased energy, my skin is completely clean, and unlike a diet where you feel hungry, I feel completely satisfied. After the 10 days are over, I will report what I have discovered. Oh, and Eric, my husband, my meat-loving, Pepsi drinking, big boy of a husband decided yesterday to join me on this fasting experiment and has committed to juicing 2 meals a day. I’m pretty proud of him for how he is open to this life change too.

I hope this wasn’t too preachy of a post. And I hope I can live up to these words that I have now put into print for eternity. This kind of life change is just the next step of the journey and a new way to fight for a better and healthier life. 

Getting Back To Normal

THE LITTLE GIRL WITH A CURL

There was a little girl who had a little curl


Right in the middle of her forehead;


When she was good, she was very, very good,


And when she was bad she was horrid.

I am not sure why I know the above Mother Goose Nursery Rhyme by heart… but if you remove the girl with the curl and insert the image of my nearly 5-year-old ‘bundle of joy’, you will get an idea of what the past week has been like in our house. Let’s just say I have been busy reestablishing my boundaries and authority as “Queen of the Castle”, and our “Little Prince” is resisting the regime change.  To be fair, the poor kid has dealt with being displaced, multiple caretakers, a sick and unavailable mom, and a house full of a variety of emotions, uncertainty, and a degree of chaos. I know Nathan is just testing the boundaries of just how far his attitude, actions and language will be tolerated and accepted. Earlier last week I even trimmed his hair (all by myself and it actually looks decent – yeah me!) in hopes that I might be able to cut off a bit of his attitude. It worked for a couple days. Then I took a note from my grandmother’s book and blamed the amazing full moon, which has graced us over the past few days. As of today, I just have this nursery rhyme dancing in my head, “When he was good, he was very, very good and when he was bad he was horrid.”

Then there is Leah. Her poem is “Sugar and spice and everything nice, that’s what little girls are made of.” I know her day will come, but for this past week she has been a delight. She is clearly glad to have mommy back and I think that somehow in her 20-month-old brain she is taking advantage of Nathan’s behavior in order to shine like a sweet little star.

My shopping buddy.

"You talking to me?"

So, basically now that I am done with chemo… I’m REALLY tired. However, I feel great! The weather has been beautiful and I have enjoyed spending most of the days working in the yard or watching the kids play. Being active has made me feel better both physically and mentally. What a difference a week makes.

This week I have several doctors’ appointments. On Monday, I meet with the Radiation Center to discuss my treatment plan, which should begin in early April. Then later that day we will meet with my Oncologist for my follow-up appointment. I have a number of questions for him so I am looking forward to this meeting. Wednesday I meet with the Genetics Dept. and will have blood drawn for the BRCA1 genetics testing. Last week I was interviewed by the Genetic Counselor for about an hour. She needed to discuss the testing and go over family history, although considering I have cancer at such a young age, I already qualify for the testing. It will take about 3 weeks to get the results. A few months ago, I had great fear about this test, but now I feel comfort and consider that it will bring either peace or clarity... both results offering a gift to my family and myself.

It surprised me what an emotional and mental rollercoaster ending chemo has had on me. As excited as I was to finish treatment, there was also a part of me scared and nervous about this phase of the fight ending. For the past 5 months, I have been able to actively fight cancer. Chemo has been my nunchaku, my katana, my pair of sai, my bo staff – my weapon of mass destruction. It was as if getting that last treatment was my last attempt to battle the enemy and now I lay down my weapon and have to wait for my enemy to either return in the night, or trust that he is gone forever. Believing that I have been healed, while at the same time needing to survey my body daily for any new growths is like being tossed by a wave in the sea. I expect that radiation will feel like going back to battle again but this time with a smaller sort of weapon… like brass knuckles or pepper spray.

This really is a fight, mentally, emotionally, and of course physically. Perhaps I am slow, but I am just starting to realized how long this fight will be… I suppose in some ways the rest of my life.

Sorry I do not have anything too thought provoking to offer this post. Just an update and grateful heart that we are now one step closer to being back to normal.

* You know, since the day I found out I had cancer and the radiologist used the word “mutant” to describe the Triple Negative nature of my cells, my mind can't help by likened myself to a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.  “Heroes In A Half-Shell. Turtle Power!"