A New Season

One of my favorite things about my husband is that he loves Easter. Easter has long been my favorite holiday. I love the tradition of kids dying and hunting eggs. I love Peeps and Cadbury Eggs (although I have not had a single one this year.) I love gathering with my family for a meal. I love the slightly twisted play that my mom has the kids do depicting the Easter story. I love Easter Sunday service and celebrating the resurrection and singing songs like “The Old Rugged Cross” and “Wondrous Cross.” I love the somber reflection of Good Friday and the joyfulness of Easter Sunday when you are greeted at church by excited voices exclaiming “He is Risen!” However, for all that I love Easter, my husband loves it more. The man’s joy for Easter far exceeds his excitement of any other holiday. You see, for him Easter was not always a special holiday, but when his life changed and he met Jesus, this day became the most important day of the year. When we first met, I didn’t really get it. Thankfully, his enthusiasm has rubbed off on me and hopefully our children will get the Easter bug too.

From our home to yours, we wish you a peaceful and joyful Holy Week!

Since my last post, several people have asked for an update on the juicing fast. I did promise a report on what I discovered. First off, I made it all 10 days. I will admit that due to being in environments where I was without juice I did cheat three times. I ate two apples (two different occasions) and had stir fry veggies one meal. It’s not like I busted out the Girl Scout cookies in the back of my pantry, but it was technically cheating so I felt it was only fair to fess up. After ending the fast I decided to continue to stick with the plant based diet and juicing at least one meal a day and so far, I think this is the right thing for me. I’ve have meat once since I started this life change and I’m not quite sure I want to say that I will give it up forever… but I’m leaning that way. So for three weeks I have been practically completely free of processed sugar, caffeine, dairy, starch and meat. I am surprised that I have more energy than before and actually find that I crave veggies and fruit when I do feel hungry. I should add that nuts have been good for taking off the edge. For the first time I cooked with couscous and lentil beans and well, they were not as awful as I had expected. Actually, we were both surprised that they were pretty yummy.

For those of you that asked for info on juicing here are some helpful sites:

* If you are interested in doing a reboot this site is helpful in providing a plan, juice recipes and for support and encouragement: http://www.jointhereboot.com/index.php?lang=en

* My basic and favorite green juice recipe: http://myjuicecleanse.com/juicer-recipes/mean-green-juice-recipes/

* Tons of juice recipes: http://juicerrecipesnow.com/
*** Be careful when searching the internet for recipes. It's easy to be attracted to the all fruit juices. They are delicious, but the have a lot of sugar and you should be sure you are mainly consuming the "green" vegetable juices as they provide the nutrients you need. After I finished the juice fast I have decided to make smoothies out of fruit instead of juice. I just had a problem with all the waste... it's too yummy to throw away. 

I feel great. Of course just about anything feels better than when you are loaded with chemo… but really, I feel awesome. My face completely cleaned up.  I am sleeping better than I have in years. I have increased energy throughout the day. And I have lost about 13 lbs. Thanks to so many of you that have written and encouraged me in this change. (Also I was gifted a 4 month supply of Juice Plus+. I will share about this product after I have had some time to witness its effects and be able to share my thoughts.)

I have not heard back from the geneticist yet. I carried my cell phone in my pocket almost all last week waiting for the call. In fairness they said it would take 2 to 3 weeks and this Wednesday will make 3 weeks so I am not freaking out or anything yet. I am just eager to get on with whatever our next step is. Sadly, one of my first cousins has recently been diagnosed with breast cancer too. Due to the amount of cancer in our family, her doctor had her take the BRCA gene test up front. We heard that her results were negative which is great news… I am hoping it is a good sign for my results too.

In the mean time, I find that I have more to do in a day than time allows. The kids are forever busy and keeping me on my toes. This week I am planning to get my vegetable garden planted and finish with the landscaping update that I started a few days ago. There is just something spiritual about gardening. It is therapeutic and healing. Breathing fresh air, playing in the dirt and watching the miracle of life (yes, even if it be plant life) is uplifting to my body and soul. It’s hard to believe a month ago I was sick in bed feeling miserable.

I am so, so thankful for this new season!

Listening To Thieves

Three men hung crying (naked)

Rain spilling down

Through their feet

But one man spilled blood

Three men hung talking (naked)

One was groaning

The other searching

For the third man’s

Knowing

Three men hung praying (naked)

One was cursing

The other pleading

And the third was

Calling Out

Three me hung dying (naked)

One tasted fire

In his carcass wasted

The other was carried

By the third

-Kevin Max Smith

The Next Step Of The Journey

Man, this past week has just flown by! When you go from laying around all but a few hours a day back to the reality of keeping up with 2 small energetic, crazy kids it feels like your spinning in a tornado. We have stayed pretty busy catching up on the life that I so missed living. I dusted off my bike and we have taken several trips to the park. We met up with friends at Wacky Tacky. We also took a quick trip to Chico to see my cousin and her best friend give their 8^th grade presentations. My cousin’s best friend had interviewed me in early January for her report on breast cancer. Being her “research” I was honored to be invited to hear her report. She did a fabulous job on her presentation and did a great job public speaking. It’s been fun… but man am I tired. I hit a wall a couple days ago and let the TV take care of the kids for the day. I know it’s not optimum, but sometime you just have to do what you need to do.

My appointments last week went well. Depending on the results of the BRACA testing (which should be back within the next 2 weeks) we will know when, or if, I will start radiation. If the test is positive, I will opt for the surgeries, eliminating the need for radiation. Soon we will know what the next step looks like. My appointment with my Oncologist was great. After checking me out he said, “You need to know that I have changed your patient status from ‘cancer patient’ to ‘history of cancer’. It’s in your past, in your history. Good job, you did great.” As he spoke, I broke into tears. He gave me a hug. I gave him a hug. I cried. He smiled. I breathed. He nodded his head and shared in my joy. A weight was lifted in that moment. I feel free for now.

So now, we march into the future…

There was a moment a few months ago where I had a true ‘ah-ha’ moment. I was standing at the kitchen sink trying to wash the dishes. In that moment, my body was weak, my muscles ached, and the slight bend of my back over the sink was killing me. I was tired and irritable. A hot flash came over me, kicking me while I already felt down. I remember thinking how pathetic it was that I could barley stand there to do such a simple task. I clearly remember that in my head I heard myself say, “You have taken your health for granted.” This statement is true. You often do not know what you have until you have lost it. Before cancer I did not understand the importance of valuing my health – it was just always there and things were fine.

I do not think I mentioned this before, but as a side effect from the steroids in the chemo I gained close to 20 lbs during the 12 week treatment of Taxol. The last few weeks my skin also seemed to break out in red bumps (kind of like acne, but nothing to pop. Gross, I know, sorry.) As you can imagine, feeling blotchy, puffy, bloated, and bald has a way of making a girl feel less than pretty. I tried to keep a positive attitude, but every time I looked in the mirror there was a reminder of how chemo had beaten up my body and altered my appearance. I have been determined that once this was over I wanted to take steps to feel healthy again.

 Throughout this cancer journey I have begun a quest for understanding health and diet a little more. After all, my favorite food is candied peach rings, so clearly my understanding of good eating is a bit messed up. I have been given several resources and notes from friends and family about clean eating. I watched a documentary called ‘Fat, Sick & Nearly Dead’ that really got me thinking and evaluating my diet lifestyle. I read most of The pH Miracle: Balance Your Diet, Reclaim Your Health. Learned a ton about the Crazy, Sexy Diet from my Crazy, Sexy Cancer book. I watched a ton of Dr. Oz and recently watched the movie ‘Forks Over Knives’ which takes a look at food and it’s impact on disease. With all of these sources of info flooding my brain it has really made me evaluate what I can do to treat my body better and live a healthier life.

It is a strange place to be as a cancer patient. The oncology/medical science world does not seem to endorse or encourage you to follow any particular diet. They do not recognize studies by dietitians as concrete (from my experience). Yet in the world of dietetics, there are all sorts of studies that link diet to disease and even cures for disease. Being Triple Negative, we felt it was necessary to take the most aggressive form of treatment, however some people (depending on their diagnosis) choose to use food and ancient remedies to heal their bodies. Honestly, this is all bigger than my understanding (What is a candied peach ring anyway?) but what I do know is that if I can do something, anything, to help my body and health then now is the time to take action.

Several weeks ago, I visited my friend’s church and the pastor was preaching out of Daniel Chapter 1. While his message was on a different topic, I read ahead and found an interesting passage that I had never seen before. In the passage, Daniel (along with Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego) had been captured by King Nebuchadnezzar and were sent to his palace to basically be brainwashed to be one of his loyal followers/servants. They were not treated harshly like slaves, but instead given the same royal food and wine and sent to school to learn the language and ways of Nebuchadnezzar’s kingdom. Okay, so here’s what caught my eye:

Daniel, Chapter 1, 8-16:

 8 But Daniel resolved not to defile himself with the royal food and wine, and he asked the chief official for permission not to defile himself this way. 9 Now God had caused the official to show favor and sympathy to Daniel, 10 but the official told Daniel, “I am afraid of my lord the king, who has assigned your food and drink. Why should he see you looking worse than the other young men your age? The king would then have my head because of you.”

 11 Daniel then said to the guard whom the chief official had appointed over Daniel, Hananiah, Mishael and Azariah, 12 “Please test your servants for ten days: Give us nothing but vegetables to eat and water to drink. 13 Then compare our appearance with that of the young men who eat the royal food, and treat your servants in accordance with what you see.” 14 So he agreed to this and tested them for ten days. 

15 At the end of the ten days they looked healthier and better nourished than any of the young men who ate the royal food. 16 So the guard took away their choice food and the wine they were to drink and gave them vegetables instead.

Reading that passage was a tipping point moment for me. What a testament to the value of a clean plant based diet! Additionally, when I met with the geneticists last week, after he heard that my dad & all 3 of his siblings, along with my grandmother and great-grandmother all had diabetes, looked at me and said “you realize your genetically destined for diabetes”. No need to argue or dwell over this topic any longer. I need to make a change, and it needs to be more than just a fad diet. A real life change and moving to a mainly plant based diet is the change I want to make. (Knock on wood!) My husband of course is terrified that I will go all vegan and we will never eat meat again. No… that’s not my plan, but I do want to choose food from the earth over all the processed foods I have gorged on all my life.

I know that some of you are shaking your head in agreement and some of you think I have been brainwashed and have gone to the ‘dark side’. I know you are scared that I have become a hippie-loving-tree-hugger…or worse, a liberal. (To my liberal friends – you know I am just kidding. To my conservative friends - you know what I’m talking about.) For those of you that think I am crazy, I double-dog-dare you to watch ‘Fat, Sick & Nearly Dead’. The first time I watched it I was inspired and motivated to make a change. The second time I watched it I was taken by the way that the average American cares so little about their health, diet and life expectancy. Check it out (also available on Netflix and Hulu):

For those of you who are smiling and giddy that you have a new convert, please be patient with me. This is a completely new way of doing life and I thank you ahead of time for your support and help as I try to fight this new fight for better health. Today marks the 8^th day of a 10 day juice fast/reboot/detox. Just veggies and a little fruit. My mom had a juicer that my aunt gave her years ago. It is older as not as flashy as the new sports car-like machines, but it gets the job done. So far, I have increased energy, my skin is completely clean, and unlike a diet where you feel hungry, I feel completely satisfied. After the 10 days are over, I will report what I have discovered. Oh, and Eric, my husband, my meat-loving, Pepsi drinking, big boy of a husband decided yesterday to join me on this fasting experiment and has committed to juicing 2 meals a day. I’m pretty proud of him for how he is open to this life change too.

I hope this wasn’t too preachy of a post. And I hope I can live up to these words that I have now put into print for eternity. This kind of life change is just the next step of the journey and a new way to fight for a better and healthier life. 

Getting Back To Normal

THE LITTLE GIRL WITH A CURL

There was a little girl who had a little curl


Right in the middle of her forehead;


When she was good, she was very, very good,


And when she was bad she was horrid.

I am not sure why I know the above Mother Goose Nursery Rhyme by heart… but if you remove the girl with the curl and insert the image of my nearly 5-year-old ‘bundle of joy’, you will get an idea of what the past week has been like in our house. Let’s just say I have been busy reestablishing my boundaries and authority as “Queen of the Castle”, and our “Little Prince” is resisting the regime change.  To be fair, the poor kid has dealt with being displaced, multiple caretakers, a sick and unavailable mom, and a house full of a variety of emotions, uncertainty, and a degree of chaos. I know Nathan is just testing the boundaries of just how far his attitude, actions and language will be tolerated and accepted. Earlier last week I even trimmed his hair (all by myself and it actually looks decent – yeah me!) in hopes that I might be able to cut off a bit of his attitude. It worked for a couple days. Then I took a note from my grandmother’s book and blamed the amazing full moon, which has graced us over the past few days. As of today, I just have this nursery rhyme dancing in my head, “When he was good, he was very, very good and when he was bad he was horrid.”

Then there is Leah. Her poem is “Sugar and spice and everything nice, that’s what little girls are made of.” I know her day will come, but for this past week she has been a delight. She is clearly glad to have mommy back and I think that somehow in her 20-month-old brain she is taking advantage of Nathan’s behavior in order to shine like a sweet little star.

My shopping buddy.

"You talking to me?"

So, basically now that I am done with chemo… I’m REALLY tired. However, I feel great! The weather has been beautiful and I have enjoyed spending most of the days working in the yard or watching the kids play. Being active has made me feel better both physically and mentally. What a difference a week makes.

This week I have several doctors’ appointments. On Monday, I meet with the Radiation Center to discuss my treatment plan, which should begin in early April. Then later that day we will meet with my Oncologist for my follow-up appointment. I have a number of questions for him so I am looking forward to this meeting. Wednesday I meet with the Genetics Dept. and will have blood drawn for the BRCA1 genetics testing. Last week I was interviewed by the Genetic Counselor for about an hour. She needed to discuss the testing and go over family history, although considering I have cancer at such a young age, I already qualify for the testing. It will take about 3 weeks to get the results. A few months ago, I had great fear about this test, but now I feel comfort and consider that it will bring either peace or clarity... both results offering a gift to my family and myself.

It surprised me what an emotional and mental rollercoaster ending chemo has had on me. As excited as I was to finish treatment, there was also a part of me scared and nervous about this phase of the fight ending. For the past 5 months, I have been able to actively fight cancer. Chemo has been my nunchaku, my katana, my pair of sai, my bo staff – my weapon of mass destruction. It was as if getting that last treatment was my last attempt to battle the enemy and now I lay down my weapon and have to wait for my enemy to either return in the night, or trust that he is gone forever. Believing that I have been healed, while at the same time needing to survey my body daily for any new growths is like being tossed by a wave in the sea. I expect that radiation will feel like going back to battle again but this time with a smaller sort of weapon… like brass knuckles or pepper spray.

This really is a fight, mentally, emotionally, and of course physically. Perhaps I am slow, but I am just starting to realized how long this fight will be… I suppose in some ways the rest of my life.

Sorry I do not have anything too thought provoking to offer this post. Just an update and grateful heart that we are now one step closer to being back to normal.

* You know, since the day I found out I had cancer and the radiologist used the word “mutant” to describe the Triple Negative nature of my cells, my mind can't help by likened myself to a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.  “Heroes In A Half-Shell. Turtle Power!"

16 of 16 = Chemotherapy is Finished!

My family has been looking forward to today for a long time. I remember being at my oncologist office last September and listening to him lay out my treatment plan. While he spoke, my mind did the math and I realized that we were looking at 5 months of chemotherapy. With God’s grace and the love, support, and generosity of so many friends and family, today WE can celebrate the completion of the final treatment injection.

So, this is what today looked like:

6:30 am: Opened my eyes to see this one lonely little chain loop hanging to my Chemo Countdown sign.

7:00 am: Got up, dressed, and ready for the day. Put on my special “COURAGE” bracelet that my friend Jackie, who is a recent breast cancer survivor, gave me. I wear this every day. Here is a better look at the ‘poison lines’ that have decorated my fingernails. Kinda cool really.

8:15 am: Our friend and Eric’s boss’s wife, Monica arrived to watch the kids. We left to go to the hospital so that I could have my blood tested.

9:30 am: Enjoyed breakfast at Mr. Perry’s Coffee Shop. Eric and I have gone there before every treatment for a breakfast date. Our waiter Chester, an older gentleman who is as much a ‘landmark’ as the dive… I mean diner is, was excited along with us that this was the last treatment. We will miss seeing him… but that’s okay.

10:30 am: We returned to the hospital for the chemotherapy treatment. Here I am, thrilled to be hooked up to the drip line one last time:

This is a little gift I brought to the nurses as a thank you. I considered baking something… but why do that when Girl Scout cookies have the power to make people crazy happy.

This my thank you note to them:

12:00 pm: My machine started beeping, waking me from my sleep. Treatment complete! Several nurses came over to offer hugs and agree with me that they too hope we never see each other again. Or if we do, it can be at the mall or grocery store or somewhere less cancer related.

12:30ish: Got home to this sign in our front yard:

And opened the door to a surprise visit from this group of incredible friends from our church:

They toasted me with:

And then laid hands on me and prayed for a complete healing.

After the gang left, Nathan and I went upstairs and my boy had the honor of removing the last and final chain loop. Yahoo!

Oh, and my sweet  husband got me this beautiful arrangement:

And then, as if this hadn’t already been a great day, our friends the Kapika’s delivered dinner and celebratory fixings to make Leatherby’s Black and Tan sundaes. Which, if you remember, in September this journey began with a Black and Tan… so this is perfect!

So what now?

Well, I will lie around and enjoy the effects of this last treatment for the next week or so. I have an appointment in a couple weeks with my oncologist to get the details on what follow-up and future scan/screenings will look like. I have the month of March to rest and get back on my feet. Then in early April, I will start radiation therapy. I will go daily (Mon-Fri) for 6 weeks, putting us in mid-May by the time we can actually say treatment is completely finished.

Several people have asked me how I plan to celebrate. Well, I am making plans to get a few items from my bucket list taken care of this summer. (Alternatively, as my friend Claire corrected me, my “LIFE LIST.”) Just to be clear,  I am not doin these things now because I am afraid that I am going to die and I need to get stuff done in a rush. I am doing them because there is no time like now than to start living!

One of my favorite verses is Ecclesiastes 8:15 (GNT):

"So I am convinced that we should enjoy ourselves, 

because the only pleasure we have in this life is eating and drinking and enjoying ourselves. 

We can at least do this as we labor during the life that God has given us in this world."

There it is, a Biblical encouragement to enjoy life! I already have the herb seeds planted, have a group of friends that want to fly in a hot air balloon with me, 2 different friends offering to help make the Yosemite dream come true, and Eric and I are talking about how to go deep sea fishing this summer. I haven’t set it in stone yet, but eating the perfect peach is coming together in my brain. That one is gonna take an extended family effort including blow-up rafts, a picnic lunch, and lots of cousins and their little kids experiencing a secret place we used to go as a family when I was younger. It is a place in my memory that I have gone to many times in moments of stress and despair. Let’s call it my “happy place”. This magical location that will make for “perfect peach eating” is a quiet peaceful crater lake in Lassen National Forest called Silver Lake. During the summer, it is gorgeous and you feel like you are swimming on a mirror. Anyways, one day this summer, I’ll be eating a peach while chillin’ in a raft, taking in the mightiness of the pines and the soaking in the reflection of the most perfect place on earth. Yep, that’s my plan.

Here is a picture of Silver Lake (this pic doesn’t begin to serve Silver Lake justice… look for my pics in late August and I'll try to capture the beauty.):

Thank you to everyone for the love, support, understanding, kindness, generosity, and prayers so many of you have offered my family these past 5 months. We are the luckiest people on this earth. God has been so good to us!

In close, enjoy Psalm 23. 

This Psalm is NOT just for funerals… it’s a truth for today.

Psalm 23

New Living Translation

1 The LORD is my shepherd; I have all that I need. 


2 He lets me rest in green meadows; 
he leads me beside peaceful streams.

3 He renews my strength.

He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name. 


4 Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, 


for you are close beside me.

Your rod and your staff 
protect and comfort me. 


5 You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies.

You honor me by anointing my head with oil. 


My cup overflows with blessings. 


6 Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, 


and I will live in the house of the LORD forever.

Breast cancer is not pretty. It is not sweet. It is not pink.

Something has been bothering me the past 6 months.

And when I say bothering, I actually mean that it makes me, as a breast cancer victim, angry. I am disgusted by the way that breast cancer awareness campaigns have become reduced to yet another example of how “sex sells” in our culture.

Breast cancer is not pretty.

It is not sweet.

It is not pink.

It is scary.

It is lethal.

It is an interruption to life, as one knows it.

It forces you to face your mortality.

It takes you to a place of fearing the unknown.

It makes you cry in the night… and day… and night. Over and over again.

It looks like an inverted breast that no longer fits the cup of your bra.

It looks like a scar that will forever decorate the body as a reminder that anyone is fair game.

For some, it means looking down and being forced to confront a disfigured chest and see yourself as marred, missing what was once a sacred part of yourself.

And if you are a candidate for chemotherapy, breast cancer takes on more characteristics.

It looks like a port machine under your skin, a new organ, pumping poison into your veins.

It looks like blood draws and waiting to hear if your counts are okay. If your healthy enough to go another round of cancer killing.

It looks like a quiet room full of strangers, submitting to drip lines and IV’s, united by the common fear and fight that cancer has shoved in their face.

It feels like going from great to awful in a matter of minutes.

It feels like you are forever nauseous and the world is forever spinning around you.

It feels like you are going to throw up all day long, day after day.

It gives you achy bones and muscles.

It gives you dried out skin and an altered appearance to your nails.

It gives some of us the unwanted gift of menopause. Thanks but no thanks.

It makes you want to sleep all day long just to avoid time.

It makes you want to be normal and participate in the basic joys of life… like going out to eat or Christmas shopping at the mall.

It makes you want to go to a family birthday party, but you know you can’t, because those damn kids are walking germ machines, ready and willing to take you out with a single sneeze.

It messes with your mind.

It messes with your emotions.

It messes with your reasoning.

It messes with your sexuality.

It messes with your will to live. On some days making you strong and invincible, and on others ready to throw in the towel.

Loosing your hair is not pretty.

Loosing your hair is not pink.

It is humbling.

It is lonely.

It reduces you to who you are inside… the outside no longer matters.

It DOES NOT look like:

or

or

All of the above images are sexy and pretty. 

And these (pictured above) are some of the LESS provocative ads out there.

Breast cancer is not sexy.

And it is definitely not pretty.

It is ugly and it is real.

Many of us victims/survivors are covered in scars both physically and emotionally that remind us of breast cancer. When the focus of awareness campaigns is sexually charged, focusing on breasts and breasts alone, the faces of the women fighting this fight are masked by perky boobs and sexually tantalizing poses. These ads and campaigns remind those of us who have scars or who have lost their breasts that they/we are no longer true whole women like before cancer took over. The campaigns make it seem like beautiful, natural breasts are all that anyone seems to care about. I find it demoralizing and hurtful. The message has become to forget about the women mothers, daughters, sisters, wives, girlfriends involved, just save the boobs! And I imagine I’m not the only warrior that feels this way either. But since sex sells and apparently boobs are more important than people are, this practice is sure to go on in advertising. And shame on them.

So there’s my rant. Done for now.

••• Here is a link to a new documentary, Pink Ribbons, Inc.: The Movie, that is coming out this spring about breast cancer and the cancer industry. I am interested to see it. When I get into another vulnerable mood I will probably write about the “pink washing” of products, and how we as consumers must “think before we pink.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=3QPZfcYTUaA

Looking Forward - Our Bucket Lists

This pick was taken at last weeks treatment.
Just 2 more to go... and I am totally counting!

Today is my 35^th birthday. In addition to whatever sweet gifts my husband and kids will give me, I will also receive a drip line of saline, a sack of Benadryl (so that I won’t have an allergic reaction to my chemo) and a large clear bag of Taxol. Yep, I’ll be spending this glorious birthday morning in the chemo lab. It’s okay. I suppose I could be spending the day somewhere worse… like prison or in a cell phone store (my least favorite place on earth). I am sure everything will go fine and by 2pm I’ll be home in bed snuggled up with my pup. 

The past few weeks have been an interesting phase of this chemotherapy journey. When I met with my oncologist a few weeks ago he asked me how my energy was. My response was that I  had actually noticed an increase in energy and felt great. He replied something like, “Yeah, after this coming treatment patients usually start to feel a sharp decline in energy and experience more fatigue.” He wasn’t joking. I think it has been about 4 weeks since I have felt good. I am not sick and nauseous like during the first 8 week series of chemo, this is different. I just feel constantly exhausted. My muscles and bones ache nearly all the time. There has been a little bit of neuropathy in my hands and feet but not enough to complain about. I feel irritable and emotional just about all the time (which is as draining for me as it is for my poor husband.) Something peculiar I have noticed is that when I am resting or busy I seem to be very aware of my breathing and heartbeat. I am not sure how to explain it. It’s just like I am more in tune with the basic functions of my body as a machine. It is all very strange to experience.

With just two more treatments to go I am beginning to look toward the future and starting to plan for when I am healthy. I have been making plans for how to bring color and life to our backyard and garden and been playing with some ideas of how to create a front porch patio area in our front yard. Looking forward to the change of the season (not that we have really had an honest winter) has been a great way to keep my attitude up and focused on the future instead of the frustrations of today.

I came across something this week that I thought could be fun to share. Last August, when Eric and I went on our anniversary trip I was able to cross off an item from my 'Bucket List.' The item was to ‘Sail in the San Francisco Bay’. We had a delightful day in the bay, sailing from Treasure Island, out toward Alcatraz, inward near the piers and then under the Bay Bridge back to the marina. It was a beautiful 4 hour tour… loved every minute of it. Anyways, I found the 'Bucket Lists' that we made that weekend. In no particular order here’s what we have left on our lists:

Kelly:

v   Take a guided white water rafting trip down the Colorado River/Grand Canyon.

v    Successfully grow a herb garden. (I have tried 3 times without success.)

v    Coach my kids soccer team.

v    Ride in a hot air balloon.

v    Go to Yosemite (never been there) and hike Halfdome.

v    Go deep-sea fishing and catch something.

v    Watch a live human birth. (As a spectator, not a participant.)

v    Own and learn to drive a Harley Davidson. Take Sunday drive through country roads.

v  Eat the world’s most perfect peach. All conditions must be perfect… juiciness, size, color, location, and emotional state when eating.

Eric:

v    Attend a Super Bowl.

v    Break 80 in a golf game.

v    Golf at ALL of the following:

o      St. Andrews, Scotland

o      Pebble Beach, Carmel

o      Torrey Pines, San Diego

o      TPC Sawgrass, MD

o      Kapawalia, HI

v    Marry/Be the Official at our kids weddings.

v    Dance with Leah at her wedding.

v    Hold a grandbaby.

v    Go to Yosemite. (He has never been there either.)

v    Fly a fighter jet.

I thought it was a little funny how most of my list requires good health and most of Eric’s requires A LOT of money. I am thinking this summer I need to try to accomplish one or possibly two of the items on my list. Hmmm… which should I try to conqueror?

For my birthday, let's have an online dream party!

What’s on your ‘Bucket List?’

A Declaration of Dependance

The other day while I was driving to the store the saddest song came on the radio. A song that used to be somewhat fun to listen to now practically brings me to tears. Since her death last year, does anyone else find “Rehab” by Amy Winehouse to be a downer?

It’s a song of rebellion and independence. The catchy way she sings “No, No, No” has a way of making you as the listener feel empowered to shake your head in defiance and stick it (whatever 'it' might be) to ‘the man’. As I thought about Amy’s cry for independence, it made me think about how this past year of my life has been one of complete dependence on God, family and friends.

It was just about 1 year ago that our picture perfect life in Auburn was flipped upside down. And what a year it has been! We experienced a lay off, sold a house, interviewed for several jobs, went down to 1 vehicle, moved our stuff into storage, lived with friends for 3 months, started a new job, found out I have cancer, moved into a new home, underwent surgery, started chemotherapy, survived the holidays, welcomed a new year, and climbed out of emotional wallowing. Thankfully I think we somehow managed to do it all in a way that our kids are still smiling and I don’t believe they have been negatively effected or hurt by the rollercoaster that has been this past year. Nevertheless, this list of what “we” did is not really a list of our challenges/accomplishments. It is actually a list of what being dependent on God and others allowed us to survive.

Sometime last February we went with my sister to check out her church, Bridgeway Christian Church. Pastor Lance was teaching from some passage out of 1^st Samuel, and the main point was about Gods desire for us to be completely dependent on Him. I remember he was talking about how in a moment we can screw up our lives by choosing to do things in our own personal time rather than choosing to wait upon God for His best. (Marrying the wrong person, choosing the wrong job, poor/illegal decisions, falling into temptation and ruining what you have, etc.) Lance talked about how when we feel that we are at the end of our rope and desperate... maybe in truth, that place is actually like half as desperate as God desires us to be.

I remember sitting there in the dark auditorium thinking about our situation of not having any steady income coming into our home (ministers are considered independent contractors and do not receive government unemployment… so there really was nothing guaranteed coming in). What if maybe while our money was slowly fading what God really desired for us was to have like $2 left in our account.... and then His amazing provision would occur? Would He purposely push us to a place of extreme discomfort and complete dependence on Him for every earthly need? Maybe His plan was for our walk through the valley to be so very lonely, that when we emerged on the other side of this mountain of trials the relationship of trust that we had with Him would be so much sweeter. Maybe He desired us to be in a place of weakness requiring trusting in Him to be more than a walk, but a delicate dance of trust and dependence.

In the weeks and months following that sermon, I learned to see all things as a gift of provision from God. Selling our truck back to the dealer for close to what we had paid for it 2 years earlier was a blessing. Eating dinner at someone’s home was God feeding my children. Coupons were a gift of provision. A gift in the mail was more than someone's generosity, it was divine intervention. The buyer for our home was a blessing straight from Gods hand. In retrospect, that was true dependence and it was a great place to be. I actually felt less stress being in a place of dependence than I had before when we had control of our income. It was also the first time in my life I had ever really experienced being truly dependent upon Him.

And then it happened. In June Eric was hired at Bayside Church of South Sacramento, and we were no longer in the same place of desperation. I remember getting the news that he got the job and I immediately wanting to go shopping. For anything, I just wanted to shop. After 4 months of not making a single frivolous purchase, I just wanted to go to Target and get something fun. I wanted to get a Starbucks. I wanted to go to a movie. I just wanted to have a little fun to celebrate surviving the Valley of Despair. However, I came to realize that what I really desired was to declare my independence from dependency of Gods provision. As if I was saying, “Okay Lord, thanks for carrying us through that scary time… but we’ve got it from here.”

I sometimes wonder if those months of depending upon God, was a training exercise for the dependence we would need in fighting cancer. On the other hand, could it be that when I naturally returned to my spirit of independence, He shook His mighty head and said, “Okay, since you missed the point of that exercise, we will now continue with round two.”

Either way I am finding that trusting God with the healing of my body is pushing me again to complete dependence upon Him. In reading more about Triple Negative disease, I have learned that reoccurrence percentages are very high and chemo actually only works about 40% of the time. The flip side of the coin with Triple Negative disease is that if my cancer is going to come back it will do so right away and not hang around hiding for years. So, if the chemo is able to successfully rid my body of the cancer and if I remain cancer free for four or more years, the chances are good that my cancer will NEVER return. I have to believe and trust that I am in the 40%. I am depending on God to put me in that 40%. After all, someone has to be on the positive side of this percentage and why shouldn’t it be me!

Once again, I’m discovering that being in a place of complete dependence is the only place I am supposed to be.