Breast cancer is not pretty. It is not sweet. It is not pink.

Something has been bothering me the past 6 months.

And when I say bothering, I actually mean that it makes me, as a breast cancer victim, angry. I am disgusted by the way that breast cancer awareness campaigns have become reduced to yet another example of how “sex sells” in our culture.

Breast cancer is not pretty.

It is not sweet.

It is not pink.

It is scary.

It is lethal.

It is an interruption to life, as one knows it.

It forces you to face your mortality.

It takes you to a place of fearing the unknown.

It makes you cry in the night… and day… and night. Over and over again.

It looks like an inverted breast that no longer fits the cup of your bra.

It looks like a scar that will forever decorate the body as a reminder that anyone is fair game.

For some, it means looking down and being forced to confront a disfigured chest and see yourself as marred, missing what was once a sacred part of yourself.

And if you are a candidate for chemotherapy, breast cancer takes on more characteristics.

It looks like a port machine under your skin, a new organ, pumping poison into your veins.

It looks like blood draws and waiting to hear if your counts are okay. If your healthy enough to go another round of cancer killing.

It looks like a quiet room full of strangers, submitting to drip lines and IV’s, united by the common fear and fight that cancer has shoved in their face.

It feels like going from great to awful in a matter of minutes.

It feels like you are forever nauseous and the world is forever spinning around you.

It feels like you are going to throw up all day long, day after day.

It gives you achy bones and muscles.

It gives you dried out skin and an altered appearance to your nails.

It gives some of us the unwanted gift of menopause. Thanks but no thanks.

It makes you want to sleep all day long just to avoid time.

It makes you want to be normal and participate in the basic joys of life… like going out to eat or Christmas shopping at the mall.

It makes you want to go to a family birthday party, but you know you can’t, because those damn kids are walking germ machines, ready and willing to take you out with a single sneeze.

It messes with your mind.

It messes with your emotions.

It messes with your reasoning.

It messes with your sexuality.

It messes with your will to live. On some days making you strong and invincible, and on others ready to throw in the towel.

Loosing your hair is not pretty.

Loosing your hair is not pink.

It is humbling.

It is lonely.

It reduces you to who you are inside… the outside no longer matters.

It DOES NOT look like:

or

or

All of the above images are sexy and pretty. 

And these (pictured above) are some of the LESS provocative ads out there.

Breast cancer is not sexy.

And it is definitely not pretty.

It is ugly and it is real.

Many of us victims/survivors are covered in scars both physically and emotionally that remind us of breast cancer. When the focus of awareness campaigns is sexually charged, focusing on breasts and breasts alone, the faces of the women fighting this fight are masked by perky boobs and sexually tantalizing poses. These ads and campaigns remind those of us who have scars or who have lost their breasts that they/we are no longer true whole women like before cancer took over. The campaigns make it seem like beautiful, natural breasts are all that anyone seems to care about. I find it demoralizing and hurtful. The message has become to forget about the women mothers, daughters, sisters, wives, girlfriends involved, just save the boobs! And I imagine I’m not the only warrior that feels this way either. But since sex sells and apparently boobs are more important than people are, this practice is sure to go on in advertising. And shame on them.

So there’s my rant. Done for now.

••• Here is a link to a new documentary, Pink Ribbons, Inc.: The Movie, that is coming out this spring about breast cancer and the cancer industry. I am interested to see it. When I get into another vulnerable mood I will probably write about the “pink washing” of products, and how we as consumers must “think before we pink.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=3QPZfcYTUaA

Looking Forward - Our Bucket Lists

This pick was taken at last weeks treatment.
Just 2 more to go... and I am totally counting!

Today is my 35^th birthday. In addition to whatever sweet gifts my husband and kids will give me, I will also receive a drip line of saline, a sack of Benadryl (so that I won’t have an allergic reaction to my chemo) and a large clear bag of Taxol. Yep, I’ll be spending this glorious birthday morning in the chemo lab. It’s okay. I suppose I could be spending the day somewhere worse… like prison or in a cell phone store (my least favorite place on earth). I am sure everything will go fine and by 2pm I’ll be home in bed snuggled up with my pup. 

The past few weeks have been an interesting phase of this chemotherapy journey. When I met with my oncologist a few weeks ago he asked me how my energy was. My response was that I  had actually noticed an increase in energy and felt great. He replied something like, “Yeah, after this coming treatment patients usually start to feel a sharp decline in energy and experience more fatigue.” He wasn’t joking. I think it has been about 4 weeks since I have felt good. I am not sick and nauseous like during the first 8 week series of chemo, this is different. I just feel constantly exhausted. My muscles and bones ache nearly all the time. There has been a little bit of neuropathy in my hands and feet but not enough to complain about. I feel irritable and emotional just about all the time (which is as draining for me as it is for my poor husband.) Something peculiar I have noticed is that when I am resting or busy I seem to be very aware of my breathing and heartbeat. I am not sure how to explain it. It’s just like I am more in tune with the basic functions of my body as a machine. It is all very strange to experience.

With just two more treatments to go I am beginning to look toward the future and starting to plan for when I am healthy. I have been making plans for how to bring color and life to our backyard and garden and been playing with some ideas of how to create a front porch patio area in our front yard. Looking forward to the change of the season (not that we have really had an honest winter) has been a great way to keep my attitude up and focused on the future instead of the frustrations of today.

I came across something this week that I thought could be fun to share. Last August, when Eric and I went on our anniversary trip I was able to cross off an item from my 'Bucket List.' The item was to ‘Sail in the San Francisco Bay’. We had a delightful day in the bay, sailing from Treasure Island, out toward Alcatraz, inward near the piers and then under the Bay Bridge back to the marina. It was a beautiful 4 hour tour… loved every minute of it. Anyways, I found the 'Bucket Lists' that we made that weekend. In no particular order here’s what we have left on our lists:

Kelly:

v   Take a guided white water rafting trip down the Colorado River/Grand Canyon.

v    Successfully grow a herb garden. (I have tried 3 times without success.)

v    Coach my kids soccer team.

v    Ride in a hot air balloon.

v    Go to Yosemite (never been there) and hike Halfdome.

v    Go deep-sea fishing and catch something.

v    Watch a live human birth. (As a spectator, not a participant.)

v    Own and learn to drive a Harley Davidson. Take Sunday drive through country roads.

v  Eat the world’s most perfect peach. All conditions must be perfect… juiciness, size, color, location, and emotional state when eating.

Eric:

v    Attend a Super Bowl.

v    Break 80 in a golf game.

v    Golf at ALL of the following:

o      St. Andrews, Scotland

o      Pebble Beach, Carmel

o      Torrey Pines, San Diego

o      TPC Sawgrass, MD

o      Kapawalia, HI

v    Marry/Be the Official at our kids weddings.

v    Dance with Leah at her wedding.

v    Hold a grandbaby.

v    Go to Yosemite. (He has never been there either.)

v    Fly a fighter jet.

I thought it was a little funny how most of my list requires good health and most of Eric’s requires A LOT of money. I am thinking this summer I need to try to accomplish one or possibly two of the items on my list. Hmmm… which should I try to conqueror?

For my birthday, let's have an online dream party!

What’s on your ‘Bucket List?’

A Declaration of Dependance

The other day while I was driving to the store the saddest song came on the radio. A song that used to be somewhat fun to listen to now practically brings me to tears. Since her death last year, does anyone else find “Rehab” by Amy Winehouse to be a downer?

It’s a song of rebellion and independence. The catchy way she sings “No, No, No” has a way of making you as the listener feel empowered to shake your head in defiance and stick it (whatever 'it' might be) to ‘the man’. As I thought about Amy’s cry for independence, it made me think about how this past year of my life has been one of complete dependence on God, family and friends.

It was just about 1 year ago that our picture perfect life in Auburn was flipped upside down. And what a year it has been! We experienced a lay off, sold a house, interviewed for several jobs, went down to 1 vehicle, moved our stuff into storage, lived with friends for 3 months, started a new job, found out I have cancer, moved into a new home, underwent surgery, started chemotherapy, survived the holidays, welcomed a new year, and climbed out of emotional wallowing. Thankfully I think we somehow managed to do it all in a way that our kids are still smiling and I don’t believe they have been negatively effected or hurt by the rollercoaster that has been this past year. Nevertheless, this list of what “we” did is not really a list of our challenges/accomplishments. It is actually a list of what being dependent on God and others allowed us to survive.

Sometime last February we went with my sister to check out her church, Bridgeway Christian Church. Pastor Lance was teaching from some passage out of 1^st Samuel, and the main point was about Gods desire for us to be completely dependent on Him. I remember he was talking about how in a moment we can screw up our lives by choosing to do things in our own personal time rather than choosing to wait upon God for His best. (Marrying the wrong person, choosing the wrong job, poor/illegal decisions, falling into temptation and ruining what you have, etc.) Lance talked about how when we feel that we are at the end of our rope and desperate... maybe in truth, that place is actually like half as desperate as God desires us to be.

I remember sitting there in the dark auditorium thinking about our situation of not having any steady income coming into our home (ministers are considered independent contractors and do not receive government unemployment… so there really was nothing guaranteed coming in). What if maybe while our money was slowly fading what God really desired for us was to have like $2 left in our account.... and then His amazing provision would occur? Would He purposely push us to a place of extreme discomfort and complete dependence on Him for every earthly need? Maybe His plan was for our walk through the valley to be so very lonely, that when we emerged on the other side of this mountain of trials the relationship of trust that we had with Him would be so much sweeter. Maybe He desired us to be in a place of weakness requiring trusting in Him to be more than a walk, but a delicate dance of trust and dependence.

In the weeks and months following that sermon, I learned to see all things as a gift of provision from God. Selling our truck back to the dealer for close to what we had paid for it 2 years earlier was a blessing. Eating dinner at someone’s home was God feeding my children. Coupons were a gift of provision. A gift in the mail was more than someone's generosity, it was divine intervention. The buyer for our home was a blessing straight from Gods hand. In retrospect, that was true dependence and it was a great place to be. I actually felt less stress being in a place of dependence than I had before when we had control of our income. It was also the first time in my life I had ever really experienced being truly dependent upon Him.

And then it happened. In June Eric was hired at Bayside Church of South Sacramento, and we were no longer in the same place of desperation. I remember getting the news that he got the job and I immediately wanting to go shopping. For anything, I just wanted to shop. After 4 months of not making a single frivolous purchase, I just wanted to go to Target and get something fun. I wanted to get a Starbucks. I wanted to go to a movie. I just wanted to have a little fun to celebrate surviving the Valley of Despair. However, I came to realize that what I really desired was to declare my independence from dependency of Gods provision. As if I was saying, “Okay Lord, thanks for carrying us through that scary time… but we’ve got it from here.”

I sometimes wonder if those months of depending upon God, was a training exercise for the dependence we would need in fighting cancer. On the other hand, could it be that when I naturally returned to my spirit of independence, He shook His mighty head and said, “Okay, since you missed the point of that exercise, we will now continue with round two.”

Either way I am finding that trusting God with the healing of my body is pushing me again to complete dependence upon Him. In reading more about Triple Negative disease, I have learned that reoccurrence percentages are very high and chemo actually only works about 40% of the time. The flip side of the coin with Triple Negative disease is that if my cancer is going to come back it will do so right away and not hang around hiding for years. So, if the chemo is able to successfully rid my body of the cancer and if I remain cancer free for four or more years, the chances are good that my cancer will NEVER return. I have to believe and trust that I am in the 40%. I am depending on God to put me in that 40%. After all, someone has to be on the positive side of this percentage and why shouldn’t it be me!

Once again, I’m discovering that being in a place of complete dependence is the only place I am supposed to be.

The Glowing Man

Some of you might think I am exaggerating.

Some of you might think I am hallucinating.

Some of you might think I am embellishing.

Nevertheless, despite what you might think, 

the following story is true.

Last Friday my mom and I took both of the kids to the dentist. Nathan has been twice in the past and this was Leah’s first time. The last time we went Nathan had to have a filling so he was a little apprehensive, but he also remembered that because he behaved well he got a reward, so he was game. We had discussed that if he obeyed and listened to the dentist and was a good patient that for his reward we would take him to Target so that he could buy a car with the money he had been saving. I know that might seems like a funny reward, but we rarely get out anymore so the opportunity to go buy something was worth behaving well.

Both of the kids did great. Of course when your dentist has an arcade race car (that doesn’t need money) in the waiting room, a TV in the ceiling over the chair and cool sunglasses to wear, why shouldn’t it be a good experience. The highlight of the trip was when Leah was laying down (backwards from my lap into the dentist lap) getting her teeth cleaned and she squeaked out in her sweet tiny one and half year old voice “stop.” She did not cry, she just said “stop, stop”… it was cute and the room burst into laughter. She loves brushing her teeth, so in some ways I thing she might have even enjoyed the experience.

After we were done, we drove directly to Target so that Nathan could cash in on his reward. As we were walking down the main isle I was reminding him that he had $5.00, so he needed to pick something that was less than $5.00 or if he saw something that was more that he wanted to get then he could choose to do more work and earn more money and that we could come back later.

And that’s when it he appeared.

Out of the men’s socks/underwear/t-shirt area emerged a glowing man dressed head to toe in a red track suit. As he exited from between the racks from about 10 feet away, he actually caught my attention, and I thought to myself, wow, that man is oozing with joy and glowing. He just had this radiant presence about him… it was not of this world.

As he approached our little gang strolling down the isle he caught my eye and said to me, “You have two beautiful children. You are a good mama.” I shyly smiled from under my head cap, and patted Leah’s hair and we continued to walk down the isle. As he passed us, he smiled brightly. Then as he walked past my mom’s shoulder he said, “Good things are to come.” He reached for my hand, which I extended (which is strange in itself because I never touch people due to germs), and looked me in the eye and said “God bless you.”

He turned and walked away and we continued walking towards the toys.

I thought about that exchange all night. Who was that man? My mom and I hadn’t discussed the conversation at all… it was like it happened, and we just silently moved along. Could it be possible that I was the only one to witness this encounter? Could the chemo be getting to my brain and causing me to see things? I asked her the next morning if she remembered seeing him. Her response was, “Yes. Wasn’t that strange? It was like he was glowing.” I wanted to see if she remembered what he had said and she confirmed that it was something about “Good things are to come.”

As I have thought about this man over the past few days, it has made me realize that there are a few people I know, and when I say few, I actually mean just a handful of people, that seem to “glow.” They glow with God’s love and grace. They glow with peace and goodness. They glow with patience and kindness and gentleness. They glow with purity and truth from the inside out. I am certain that the folks I am thinking of are human and surely have non-glowing moments, but overall, they are very special and have the gift and ability to shine a light that overcomes the darkness.

I imagine if you think about it, you too can come up with a few folks in your circle that glow.

Could he have been an angel that took on the presence of a man? Perhaps. Who knows, he could just be a guy that needed socks that felt the urge to talk to me. I will never know for sure. Nevertheless, this out of the ordinary encounter from a “glowing” stranger and his simple words matched the needs of my heart so specifically in that moment.

It was a sobering experience. 

"Good things are yet to come." I like the sound of that.

Head Down... Staying Focused

I was watching CSI:Miami last week and learned a little something about myself. While the coroner held the corpses limp hand up for Horatio to inspect, she pointed out white horizontal lines that stretched across his cold fingernails. Apparently, these lines are a sign that someone has been poisoned over a period of time. As I looked down at the lines decorating my fingernails, I chuckled… thanks CSI.

I feel like we have entered a new phase of this cancer journey. This is the “keep your head down and just get through it” phase. I have 8 more weekly treatments to go. One month off to recuperate, and then 6 weeks of radiation treatments, which will be 5 days a week. So really, that means 4 ½ months to go before this “adventure” is over. This nightmare started about 4 ½ months ago… so I suppose you could say we are half way done.

Additionally, after the treatments are finished I will go to a genetics doctor to be tested for the BRACA1 gene, or breast cancer gene.  Women with the BRCA1 gene have up to an 85% risk of developing breast cancer and an increased risk of 60% of developing ovarian cancer. (http://www.mskcc.org/cancer-care/hereditary-genetics/breast-ovarian-brca1-brca2) If a person is positive for this gene, the general recommendation is usually a double mastectomy and hysterectomy. Despite having gone through chemotherapy, due to the “triple negative disease” element of my cell DNA, we would still need to consider these measures if I am in fact positive for the gene. (Most BRACA1 carriers are also ‘triple negative’… ain’t that special.)  My oncologist feels it is best for me to use my emotions and stay focused on completing chemo before we take the test, as naturally the results could stir up a lot of emotion and will require energy and focus on our decisions and tackling that challenge, should it arise. To be honest, I am very nervous and scared of this part of the journey. I think about it more than I should. After all, if I am BRACA1 positive, what does that mean for Leah, my sister and my nieces????

Anyway, we are all just doing our best to take on each day and get through each sunset whole. The other day a friend asked Eric “What are the blessings you are seeing through this?” I know that this kind of question is meant to be an encouragement, and we have both been asked assorted versions of this question over the last several months. While our list of blessings is long and God’s hand and provision is obvious in our home, I appreciated Eric’s response. He replied, “Why don’t you lay down on the ground and let me kick you in the gut over and over again for about 20 minutes and while I kick you I will ask you to tell me what blessing you are finding in being kicked. I imagine you will be begging me to stop kicking you and then, once you catch your breath, you might be able to reflect on the blessings… but even then it might take a while to come up with something good.” I think this kind of sums up how we are both feeling about now. Tired. Beat up. And just wanting this to be over so that we can look up again.

Finally this chain is getting shorter. It was
initially a about 3 feet long. 

I can’t help but laugh a little realizing that my last post stated that my New Years resolution was to remove the negative from my life… and yet this post stinks of negativity. Or maybe it is just the aroma of reality and being honest with myself about what is still to come.

However, I am happy to confirm that I ate my Ruffles and onion dip for the month of January. So at least I’m on target with one resolution!

8 Treatments Down, 

8 More To Go! 

A New Year And A New Resolution

I have never looked forward to the turning of a new year as much as I am now. I realize there is no magic at the stroke of midnight between December 31^st and January 1^st… but for some reason it seems like in that moment, when we go from 2011 to 2012 a fresh start will be laid in my lap. I know that 2012 already has a long list of trails and tests to get through… but I am so looking forward to saying good-bye to 2011!

As the New Year approaches, so do resolutions… I think they are fun. For the past 3 years, my resolution has been to eat onion dip and Ruffles chips at least once a month for the full year. Sadly, another year has passed where I only ate it a handful of months… I feel like such a failure. Therefore, once again I resolve that I will enjoy this delicious snack at least once a month for the year. Fourth times a charm… right? (I went to Sam's Club and bought the 12 pack of onion dip mix... no excuses!)

My serious resolution comes from something that has been stirring in me for the past several weeks. We received a Christmas card and family letter from our friends who walked with us through Madison’s death and were in the support group with us. This year their family experienced another heartbreaking loss of a mother/grandma. In the letter they wrote, “We try to remind ourselves to instill in our children that each day is a gift and it shouldn’t be wasted fighting, being angry, being lazy or being bored.” Understanding in agreement that each day truly is a gift, I have recently found myself becoming aware of the daily/hourly/momentary choice to be either positive or negative in my thoughts and actions. It is from this line of thinking that I resolve to choose to eliminate negativity whenever possible.

As I have thought about this resolution, I realize that this will actually require a significant life change. I will need to be conscious of my mental state as I fight this nasty disease and battle thru chemo by choosing joy. It means being aware and turning off negativity on television and movies. Being aware of negative relationships and taking action to change them or remove myself. I need to be aware of my tone of voice and words that I speak and take intentional action to speak in kindness and to be uplifting. And of course there is the need to be aware of my parenting, disciplining, and the example I set for my children.

I was reading Parenting magazine last week and saw that “the average preschooler argues with his parents 20 to 25 times per hour.” (Dec/Jan 2012 issue, pg. 44) Being a parent of a preschool aged child, I admit that arguing is an issue that we deal with daily. While once every two minutes is more extreme than what we are experiencing, it does seem like we are constantly pointing out to Nathan that he is arguing and that we will not be tolerating that kind of attitude. The past two weeks (since I have felt better having this 2 week break from chemo and have been able to be with the kids all day) we have had to have a few ‘smack down days’ regarding this topic. In parenting and guiding Nathan to be aware of when he is arguing or being negative minded, it has also made me realize when I too am of an argumentative spirit and exhibiting negativity.

This has been quite a revelation into my inner self and my outside interactions with others. How much more pleasant and enjoyable being a parent, friend, wife and human in general could be if I were to choose to focus on the positive in all situations rather than being drawn into the negative realm.

The scripture Philippians 4:8 reads, “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”

I have realized that this is not some new age, touchy feely way of thinking. This is a mindset desired by God. In tuning my mind to be aware of what is positive, true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy… I hope that I will not only be more at peace in this earthly life, but that I will also be closer to God and have a better understanding of His plan for my life.

Hopefully I am more successful this year with the resolution of eliminating negativity than I have been in the past with my goal of enjoying onion dip and chips. But then again, enjoying one of the worlds most perfect snacks is a pretty great resolution to have to try over and over again!

Recently saw this story and thought it was perfect to share:

TWO WOLVES


One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all. 



"One is Evil - It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. 


"The other is Good - It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.” 



The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?” 



The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

Merry Christmas To All, And To All A Good Night

"Look up on a starry night,

and you will see

the majesty and power

of an infinite Creator."

- Billy Graham

The magic of Christmas is in the air... just looking in the eyes of my 4 year old brings the excitement of Christmas to life. I love the above quote. As you look into the sky tonight, in search of Santa and his sleigh,  allow yourself to be distracted by the majesty and power of our Creator.

May you celebrate Christmas in high style; toasting one another throughout the day in full celebration of love, family, health and goodness... and a little baby that changed history.

Merry Christmas from our home to yours,
Kelly, Eric, Nathan and Leah

Elf Code of Conduct:
Rule #1 = Treat Everyday like it's Christmas!

My new ornament for 2011.
Pink boxing gloves - fight on!